#reverb10 Day 10: Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
I thought about this prompt on my way into work this morning. There are a number of things I could write about, decisions I’ve made this year that had a positive impact on my life. But, I didn’t want to rehash things I’ve already written about a lot. So, I dug a little deeper, and came up with this: the wisest decision I made this year was to continue paying for my gym membership, even after losing my job in June. Great, so I belong to a gym…big deal, right? Actually, for me it is. Not only did I keep paying for my membership, but I actually went and worked out on a regular basis. Having this activity helped keep me sane during my months of unemployment, and it also made me feel like I was making an effort to feel better about myself.
I can’t remember a time when I’ve had a good self image. It’s rare that I look in the mirror and have a positive thought be the first thing that pops into my head. When someone compliments me on my appearance, even my fiance, I just smile and say thank you or shrug it off. But it never sinks in, I never believe it myself. It’s not like I hate myself. In fact, I think I’m a pretty great person on the inside. It’s just the outside that I’ve never been thrilled about. There are days when it takes me five outfits before I feel like I look okay enough to leave the house. Other times, I go to the grocery store in jeans and a hoodie. Some days are better than others, but I’ve gotten so used to scrutinizing myself that I don’t even notice I’m doing it anymore.
I’ve tried to figure out where all of this comes from. It’s not like I didn’t have positive reinforcement growing up. My parents raised me well, and taught me to love myself for who I am. When I got older, I was shy, and I often found myself as the quiet best friend of the pretty, outgoing girl. It took quite a while before I was the one the boys wanted to talk to. Maybe that had something to do with it…but who knows.
Whatever the reason behind it, I know it has to get better. So, I’ve been making a concerted effort to feel better about myself. Earlier this year, I read the Operation Beautiful book, and I try to write little imaginary post-its to myself every day. Going to the gym has been the biggest help. I do feel better about my body, and it’s good to do something to fix what bothers me, instead of just feeling sorry for myself. It’s also helping me learn to put myself first every once and a while, something we all need to do more often. I hope next year at this time, I can look back and say my wisest decision was to love myself, flaws and all. We’ll see what happens.
