When someone wrongs us, we get mad. We are hurt and confused, often shocked and disappointed. At that point, we are faced with a decision: do we forgive them or do we stay angry? We weigh our options, or just act on impulse. Decide to forgive and be the bigger person; decide to let our anger fester and form a long-lasting grudge. Of course, every situation is different, and sometimes people truly deserve a taste of their own medicine. But, I’d like to think that there’s a middle road. Let yourself be angry for a while, but don’t allow that anger to reach a boiling point and overflow, drowning the rest of your life.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. I’m not a big fan of conflict, and it takes a lot to get me truly angry. I’ll admit that I’m often too easy to forgive those who have hurt me. But, I don’t let people walk all over me, and I don’t stand there silent while they break my heart. What’s more, I am incredibly protective of my parents, and almost as much so of the rest of my family and friends. Many times in my life, I have been faced to decide between forgiveness and anger. These are a few examples:
I used to have a best friend. Long story short, after years of friendship, he chose his girlfriend over me, telling her the kinds of lies that should never, ever be spoken by one friend about the other. It was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever experienced, and I will always remember that feeling. I’ve seen him since, and we’ve exchanged pleasantries. The saddest part is that I don’t think he realizes how much he hurt me. There is no way that things will ever be the same, not even close, but I have to admit that there is a tiny part of me that holds out hope.
Another longtime friend and I began growing apart one summer. She started spending more time with another girl, and so I did the same. One night, she freaked out and started crying, telling all of our friends that I’d abandoned her. Everyone was mad at me, and I felt like shit, even though I’d done nothing wrong. It sucked at the time, but we were young and naive. So, given the chance, I’d love to reconnect with her someday.
Yet another friend and I had a falling out freshman year of college. We went to different schools, but we did a pretty great job keeping in touch. I spent a lot of time, effort, and money planning a trip to visit her school. I had a couple of other friends there, but I made it clear that I wanted to spend quality time with all of them while I was there. I set out to spend time with this particular friend. She proceeded to invite her roommate along, and then ended up going to bed early, leaving me to go back to my other friends feeling like she didn’t care that I had made the trip. When I got back to school, I wrote her a letter telling her how I didn’t feel like she was excited to see me, and I wish we’d had some time to ourselves. It got awkward, and we didn’t talk for a while. I don’t know what happened, but eventually we realized that we were both in the wrong in some way, and we put the past behind us. Now, we’re living in the same city and both look forward to catching up on monthly “dates.”
Three different situations with three different outcomes. I can’t really describe ”my approach” to dealing with these decisions, because it really depends. But, I recognize that I am, at times, too easy to forgive. If someone treats me like friend #1 did, I shouldn’t hold out any hope whatsoever. He doesn’t deserve me as a friend. On the other hand, grudges aren’t worth it to me. Holding a grudge is just devoting more time and energy to the person that hurt you. Life is too short to be wasting it that way. Be the bigger person and reach out to someone when they’re having a tough time, even if they don’t deserve your compassion. It doesn’t mean that you have to be all buddy buddy again, it just means that you’re human. It means allowing your heart to do the thinking.
So, I want to hear from you. Are you too quick to forgive or too eager to hold a grudge? What would you have done in my position in any of those situations? Do you have stories of your own? Do you believe there’s a happy medium like I suggested at the beginning of the post?
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This is really a thought-provoking post. I used to deal with anger and disappointment in an entirely different way; I'd cry (instead of getting angry), feel guilty for getting upset and making someone else feel bad, and then try to move on without ever truly dealing with the issue.
That said, it's not an approach I'd recommend to anyone, because it got me into a mess.
When resolving a grudge, I think the other person's attitude and approach matters just as much as your own. You can try to take the high road, work through the problem & move on, but if they're unwilling to acknowledge the issue or would rather “sweep it under a rug,” you're not in an easy place. I also think it's tempting to try to move on as quickly as possible simply because anger isn't a pleasant emotion to deal with. In situations where a lot of emotional damage has been done, I think it's best to let anger run its course. Don't try to push it away, ignore it, or minimize it. I had (and still have, though to a lesser extent) a lot of anger toward my dad. I've learned that anger often has something to teach us, and if we sit with that discomfort and work through how and why we feel the way we do, it gradually dissipates.
If we choose to hold on to that anger..well…I think the Buddha put it best when he said “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”
If someone steadily digs themselves a hole in my eye, I don't hold hard feelings, eventually I just become apathetic towards their existence and it's almost impossible to come back from that. Up until that point, I probably care about my friends MORE than I should and I have a ton invested in their well being… however once someone's written off as a loss, it's dead and done as far as I'm concerned. I don't wish them ill will, I just don't want them in my life, at all.
Personally, I don't hold grudges, but that's mainly because it takes a long time for me to let people into my life.
Professionally, I think there's a fine line between professionalism and letting people get away with being a jerk. I can only take so much before someone officially crosses the line to bullying.
I hope my attitude has (somewhat!) inspired this post. This is THE DEBATE OF THE CENTURY for me, and I think it will continue to be as long as I keep struggling with it. I really believe strongly in speaking up for injustice, but also for yourself. It's an important quality. I know that sometimes there is also value in picking your battles. In order to try and deal with this better, I have taken to writing down my feelings about the argument – pro's and con's and everything. This helps me figure out if I am getting angry for the sake of getting angry, or if it's something deeper. Thanks for this!
Ellen: I really appreciate your honesty here, and I'm glad you realized that the way you were dealing with anger and disappointment wasn't healthy. You touch on something that I can certainly relate to: moving on without ever really dealing with an issue. For most of my life, I've been a feelings bottler, keeping things inside instead of talking about them or dealing with them. This is an unhealthy habit too, and I've been working on changing my ways.
You make a very good point about considering the other person's attitude as well. We can try as hard as we want to, but if they're not receptive to our efforts, than it's not worth it. And, I agree with what you say about anger having something to teach us. I don't know if you've had the chance to read any of my other posts, but I've been through some crappy stuff over the past couple of years. One of the ways I've gotten through it all without going crazy is by promising myself that I will learn something from every situation. I share those lessons here because I hope they help others who might be going through similar things. Anyway, thanks so much for getting the discussion going and sharing your perspective! Looking forward to connecting with you more in the future
A hole in your eye? That sounds uncomfortable! Seriously though, your approach is really interesting. I care a lot about my friends too, and I have a ton invested in their wellbeing and happiness as well. But, I don't have it in me to write someone off like you do. I definitely admire you for having the clarity and strength to do that, but I have to wonder if it's that easy or if it's painful at first. No matter how much someone changes or wrongs you, you can't erase the past and all of the good memories. I guess you just have to remember them that way and recognize that you're better off without them at this point in your life. Thanks for your comments!
So, Rebecca, are you saying that if someone “passes the test” so to speak, and you let them into your life, chances are you won't find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between holding a grudge and forgiveness? I guess if you choose your friends wisely, and only surround yourself with positive people, you have a better chance of escaping this conundrum. But, people change as they go through different stages of life, so can you ever really know for sure?
Professionally, I agree. There are things that we all tolerate because we don't want to make a big deal out of nothing, but that doesn't mean that we should be afraid to speak up if someone crosses the line. As far as I'm concerned, that's one of those times when you put yourself first, put your wellbeing above everything else. That's my two cents. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!
Beth: Your attitude, and our chats, did inspire this post. I know this is a major issue for you, and I'm happy to see that you've gotten all introspective about it! Seriously though, you make an important point. We can't be afraid to speak out against injustice, on a smaller scale like one of my friendship situations, or on a much larger scale like human rights violations. I don't even want to think about where our world would be if nobody ever took a stand. That said, you're right when you say that there is value in picking your battles. Sometimes, it's just not worth it, and we have to recognize that.
Although you may still be working on that one, I have to say that I totally appreciated when you were angry on my behalf. The fact that you felt so strongly about the situation showed me just how much you care and how much you value our friendship. In case you didn't know, the feeling is mutual xoxo
Some relationships need to be repaired, others need to be amputated. It's as simple as that. Now, do I always let go? No. But I reached a point in my life a few years ago when I realized I only have a finite amount of time, energy, resources, etc. and any that I dedicate to someone that isn't in my life anymore, I'm hurting not only myself, but those people who are still in my life. It's not a matter of being the 'bigger' person, it's just a matter of being an adult.
I totally respect your outlook, and I think you're right on. Like I said, life is short and it's not worth wasting our time and energy on negative feelings and, as you said, crappy relationships. To your other point, about not only hurting yourself, but hurting those who are still in your life…it's like how some people give and give and don't take good enough care of themselves. What they don't realize, is that if they put themselves first every once and a while, they would be better able to be there for other people. Great insight, thanks for sharing!
Really interesting post here, Sam. And thanks for sharing your stories in regards to your friendships — I've found that difficulties with friendships have been the hardest to reconcile in my own life.
I really like how you say that there is a middle road because I feel like that's the road I'm more prone to taking. Personally, in the past I've fogiven too easily at times and bottled up my own feelings until they explode at others. I don't think I've ever really held a grudge, per se, but it's been hard to let issues go. Most of the time, I turned that inwardly rather than expressing it in a healthy way.
I think everything is situational. I think we tend to react and handle certain situations based on where we are in that moment — perhaps we had a bad day that leads to us holding that grudge or blowing up. Maybe we're feeling particularly forgiving and so we do so too easily, too quickly. I think the older we get, the more we're able to take a step back from the situation and gain perspective, and thus the more maturely we're able to handle a situation.
I think that's evidenced in how you handled the third scenario — let others know how you feel and see where that leads. Sometimes we can mend relationships. Other times we know it's best to let them go and move on.
Great post that made me take a look at how I deal with conflict in my own life. Thanks, Sam.
I always enjoy your insight, Susan. As you know, I'm big on finding a balance, and the middle road is just another incarnation of that metaphor. Everything is situational, and people have mentioned a number of things that I didn't originally consider. You're right that our mood can definitely influence how we handle things. There are so many factors that contribute to how a situation is resolved. Some of them we have control over, and some of them we don't. We do have control over how we act and react, and I think that's important to remember. Thanks for commenting!
I'm not going to lie, although I should because this is out there for all to see. But I won't. I have trouble forgiving. I harp on things. It's a flaw, I have acknowledged that and have made it an ongoing project to ameliorate it. But when I'm burned, treated badly, humiliated or been unfairly judged or ignored, I don't take it lightly. My husband knows this about me and still makes some mistakes that gets him an attitude for a bit. I know it's not constructive but I chalk it up to being a Cancer
Lindsey: Props for being honest, I definitely appreciate that! It's awesome that you admitted it AND that you realize it's probably not the healthiest way to deal with things. I guess you and I are pretty much opposites: I forgive a little too easily and you hold a grudge a little too harshly. Maybe if we both work on it, we can meet on the middle road sometime
Thanks for commenting!
hey sam,seriously love your blog. For me,just by reading your blog i can learn so many positive things in life,it really make my day meaningful…gonna recommend this blog to my friends
Thanks Ivan! I’m glad you enjoy my blog! I hope your friends will find meaning in my posts as well
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