I know I need to change. I know I need to follow my own advice, let myself be sad, and talk about things instead of keeping them inside. I know I should put myself first more often, and be selfish every once in a while. I know I have a lot of good things going for me, and a lot of people who love me, and I am so, so lucky. I know I’ve been through a lot in the past couple of years, and it’s okay to be overwhelmed with life. I know worrying doesn’t usually help much, and I know that I don’t have to be a prisoner of my anxiety. I know that I can’t bear the weight of the world on my own.
These are all things that I know to be true. But, what I’ve realized is that it’s very difficult to teach an old dog new tricks, especially when that old dog is you. Let’s be clear, I’m not calling 24 old, and I’m not implying that I am a dog, however teaching myself a new outlook on life has proven more difficult than I expected.
I set myself a goal of becoming more confident by my 24th birthday. I wrote a couple posts about it and stressed that I knew it would be an ongoing journey. But, here I am again, stuck in the knowing and recognizing conundrum. Just like the laundry list of things above, I claim to know confidence doesn’t come overnight, and yet I don’t fully recognize it. I still have unrealistic expectations of myself, and I’m disappointed that I haven’t made more progress. I wish that I could see myself through other people’s eyes. I know that I am beautiful, lovable and capable, but I don’t recognize it when I look in the mirror. I want to believe in myself more, to see the me that other people see. I am so passionate about appreciation, and lord knows I appreciate everything and everyone that I have…except perhaps myself. I need to realize, that’s something that has to change.
My friends are so important to me, and being there for them, doing nice things, and making sure they know they are loved is one of my favorite things to do. But, I have to realize that friendship is a two-way street and I have people who want to be there for me, I just have to let them. I know that I would do anything for my family, and that I wouldn’t be who I am today without them. But, I have to realize that I can’t let family issues take over my life. There comes a point where there’s nothing I can do but stress and worry, and that won’t get me anywhere. I know that I am stronger than I think I am, I just have to recognize my own strength.
I’ve been having one of those days where I think about all of the bad stuff, but I know I shouldn’t keep it all inside, so here I am letting some of it out. I know that I will eventually be able to recognize all of these things, and I think I’m already starting to recognize that it’s going to take some time, but that’s okay. In the meantime, hugs, real and digital, are much appreciated.
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