Say What’s On Your Mind

by Sam on July 20, 2009

Last week, I wrote a post about thinking before you speak. Now I’m telling you to say what’s on your mind. Contradictory? Actually, no. By “say what’s on your mind,” I mean stand up for yourself and others, be vocal about the things that are bothering you. If you’re worrying about something, and simply asking someone a question could ease your mind, do it! Whether it’s a human rights issue, a professional issue or a personal issue, say something.

Of course, thinking before you speak is still important, and saying what’s on your mind can be dangerous if you don’t choose your words (and tone) carefully. But, it is possible to get your point across diplomatically and politely. If a friend has been distant and you’re worried that something might be wrong, just ask them. If you’re stuck in the middle of an awkward situation, tell the people on each side that you would prefer they not talk about each other to you. If someone says something out of line, respond (they probably won’t be expecting it). If a co-worker has been speaking to you in a condescending manner, find a way to say something about it.

I know that it’s often uncomfortable to say what’s on your mind, but I think it’s worth it to take on the challenge. If the alternative is bottling up your feelings, becoming overwhelmed with anxiety, over-thinking every interaction, why not just rip the band-aid in one quick stroke? Here’s a fact of life: people are oblivious. Yep, that’s right. People do things without even realizing it. They don’t think before they speak or act and they remain totally unaware of the effect their words or actions have had on others. So, by saying what’s on your mind, you just might be doing them a favor. Chances are they never even considered how they appear from someone else’s perspective.

Of course, there are times when it’s just not appropriate to speak up. Don’t forget the old adage, ” if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. “ But, that doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to face the situation head on and say what’s on your mind.

Do you think there are times when it’s better to say what’s on your mind instead of keeping feelings bottled up? Do you have an example of a time when you did one or the other? Any suggestions for how to say what’s on your mind without burning bridges?

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Tagged as: Advice, confidence, Learning, society

http://www.opheliaswebb.com/ Elisa Doucette

I was at a bachelorette party this weekend for a friend, and (I wish I was making this up) the maid-of-honor got obliteratedly drunk, wandered off, texted some guy she's been seeing, had him pick her up at the hotel and NEVER TOLD ANY OF US WHAT WAS GOING ON. When I brought the bride-to-be back to the hotel, I somehow had the foresight to stick around to see if the MOH would return (she was supposed to have a special “just the two of us” night with her BFF) and ended up spending the night so that the bride wouldn't have to wake up on the morning of her bachelorette party by herself in a hotel room.The MOH literally wrote off the entire event as “Haha, I get drunk sometimes and wander off…whoopsies!” All our friends told me getting upset wasn't worth it, I was over-reacting, “that's just the way she is.” It astounds me how oblivious people are allowed to keep being oblivious because no one will call them on their actions.
http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

I was at a bachelorette party this weekend for a friend, and (I wish I was making this up) the maid-of-honor got obliteratedly drunk, wandered off, texted some guy she's been seeing, had him pick her up at the hotel and NEVER TOLD ANY OF US WHAT WAS GOING ON. When I brought the bride-to-be back to the hotel, I somehow had the foresight to stick around to see if the MOH would return (she was supposed to have a special “just the two of us” night with her BFF) and ended up spending the night so that the bride wouldn't have to wake up on the morning of her bachelorette party by herself in a hotel room.

The MOH literally wrote off the entire event as “Haha, I get drunk sometimes and wander off…whoopsies!” All our friends told me getting upset wasn't worth it, I was over-reacting, “that's just the way she is.” It astounds me how oblivious people are allowed to keep being oblivious because no one will call them on their actions.
http://leavesinthespring.blogspot.com/ Bluebelle

I'm not a very confrontational person so if someone annoys me I'll usually let it go. I think sometimes it is better to “forgive and forget” but often if a friend upsets you with a thoughtless comment it's because they're having a bad day or just didn't think before they spoke. I figure we all do that sometimes, no big deal. That said, if someone was consistently hurtful I think I would call them on it – not in a big way but maybe just pointing out that their words can be upsetting.
http://leavesinthespring.blogspot.com/ Bluebelle

I'm not a very confrontational person so if someone annoys me I'll usually let it go. I think sometimes it is better to “forgive and forget” but often if a friend upsets you with a thoughtless comment it's because they're having a bad day or just didn't think before they spoke. I figure we all do that sometimes, no big deal. That said, if someone was consistently hurtful I think I would call them on it – not in a big way but maybe just pointing out that their words can be upsetting.
andhari

I live with those two rules. But maybe with another one too : pick your battles. LOL. It might be bad but IU dont always vocal about things that bother me, if i can brush it off I usually do.
andhari

I live with those two rules. But maybe with another one too : pick your battles. LOL. It might be bad but IU dont always vocal about things that bother me, if i can brush it off I usually do.
http://www.twentyorsomething.com/ Susan Pogorzelski

Sam,Another great post! As I think I replied in another recent post of yours, I think you're absolutely right and that people tend to be oblivious — sometimes not intentionally, sometimes so wrapped up in their own world that they don't realize how much of what they say or do can affect the other person. I'm a big believer in speaking up, as I've learned, too often, that people learn too late how people feel. Does this mean I always abide by that? Absolutely not, which seems a bit hypocritical. Sometimes, no matter how badly you want to say something, those words can't be spoken. But, more often than not, they should be.Telling someone you love them, telling someone you appreciate them, telling someone you're angry, hurt, disappointed — if you let someone know how it affects you, they can make that step to changing their behavior, if they choose. That choice is up to them, but you voiced yourself, made them more aware.I agree with the other comments that you have to choose your battles. Sometimes, it's better to brush it off. But if it's something that is consistently bothering you, hurting you, or you feel compelled to say it, I think it's important to listen to that. Because I think it's important to listen to yourself. Just another $.02. Thanks for the post!
http://www.twentyorsomething.com/ Susan Pogorzelski

Sam,

Another great post! As I think I replied in another recent post of yours, I think you're absolutely right and that people tend to be oblivious — sometimes not intentionally, sometimes so wrapped up in their own world that they don't realize how much of what they say or do can affect the other person.

I'm a big believer in speaking up, as I've learned, too often, that people learn too late how people feel. Does this mean I always abide by that? Absolutely not, which seems a bit hypocritical. Sometimes, no matter how badly you want to say something, those words can't be spoken. But, more often than not, they should be.

Telling someone you love them, telling someone you appreciate them, telling someone you're angry, hurt, disappointed — if you let someone know how it affects you, they can make that step to changing their behavior, if they choose. That choice is up to them, but you voiced yourself, made them more aware.

I agree with the other comments that you have to choose your battles. Sometimes, it's better to brush it off. But if it's something that is consistently bothering you, hurting you, or you feel compelled to say it, I think it's important to listen to that. Because I think it's important to listen to yourself.

Just another $.02. Thanks for the post!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com/ sameve

Wow…that's just ridiculous. Now the bride-to-be is always going to remember her bachelorette party as when her best friend ditched her for a guy. I commend you for your good sense and kind heart. You definitely did a great thing by staying with her. As for overreacting, I don't think you did. Maybe on any normal day, but the bachelorette party, like the wedding, is supposed to be all about the bride, and the MOH's drunk behavior made it all about her instead. Not worth ending a friendship over or anything, but worth saying something about in my opinion. Thanks for sharing this story! I hope you managed to have fun, despite the chaos
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Wow…that's just ridiculous. Now the bride-to-be is always going to remember her bachelorette party as when her best friend ditched her for a guy. I commend you for your good sense and kind heart. You definitely did a great thing by staying with her.

As for overreacting, I don't think you did. Maybe on any normal day, but the bachelorette party, like the wedding, is supposed to be all about the bride, and the MOH's drunk behavior made it all about her instead. Not worth ending a friendship over or anything, but worth saying something about in my opinion. Thanks for sharing this story! I hope you managed to have fun, despite the chaos
http://www.lifeschocolates.com/ sameve

Naomi: I'm not a very confrontational person either, so if it's something small, I'll usually let it go too. I agree that “forgive and forget” is often a good policy, but if you keep letting things go all the time, you can get yourself into a pretty deep hole. Like you said, if someone is consistently hurtful, they need to be called out on it. Especially if you think they're doing it unintentionally. Otherwise, they'll just continue to do it. Great perspective, thanks for sharing!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Naomi: I'm not a very confrontational person either, so if it's something small, I'll usually let it go too. I agree that “forgive and forget” is often a good policy, but if you keep letting things go all the time, you can get yourself into a pretty deep hole. Like you said, if someone is consistently hurtful, they need to be called out on it. Especially if you think they're doing it unintentionally. Otherwise, they'll just continue to do it. Great perspective, thanks for sharing!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Andhari: Picking your battles is very smart. You don't want to freak out about every little thing, but like Naomi said, if it's something that's consistently hurtful, something needs to be said. Glad you brought that up, thanks!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com/ sameve

Andhari: Picking your battles is very smart. You don't want to freak out about every little thing, but like Naomi said, if it's something that's consistently hurtful, something needs to be said. Glad you brought that up, thanks!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Susan: Wise, as always! I'm glad you're a big believer in speaking up, and don't worry that you can't always follow through on it. I can't either, but that's only human. You make a great point. By saying something, making your voice heard, you've done your part. Now the ball is in the other person's court. You're right, it's so important to listen to yourself. Thanks for your comments!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com/ sameve

Susan: Wise, as always! I'm glad you're a big believer in speaking up, and don't worry that you can't always follow through on it. I can't either, but that's only human. You make a great point. By saying something, making your voice heard, you've done your part. Now the ball is in the other person's court. You're right, it's so important to listen to yourself. Thanks for your comments!
http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com/ Grace Boyle

Ugh, this is a problem and a blessing of mine I think. I'm upfront and say what I think, it's hard to hold it in sometimes (damn Italians). I'm usually the one of my friends who will confront or mediate between two arguing because they ask me and know that I will not be afraid. I don't bite my tongue too often, however, I've incorporated tact into my approach. I really don't want to hurt anyone, however, if I go around passive and not saying what I think it just gets me nowhere. Being honest and saying what you think also goes hand in hand with admitting you're wrong, as well. Good thoughts and for me, always a work in progress
http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

Ugh, this is a problem and a blessing of mine I think. I'm upfront and say what I think, it's hard to hold it in sometimes (damn Italians). I'm usually the one of my friends who will confront or mediate between two arguing because they ask me and know that I will not be afraid. I don't bite my tongue too often, however, I've incorporated tact into my approach. I really don't want to hurt anyone, however, if I go around passive and not saying what I think it just gets me nowhere.

Being honest and saying what you think also goes hand in hand with admitting you're wrong, as well. Good thoughts and for me, always a work in progress
lysser

Sam,Great post. I posted something kind of similar a bit ago on active listening when I explained my frustration with people who talk or ask questions but never really want a response.I agree with you that we have to speak more mindfully. It's ok to stand up for oneself, but there is a way to do it respectfully. I am often encountered with the situation on which you write while I'm at work. People are stressed or caught up in office drama, and they become very oblivious to their actions and words. I am often on the other end, trying to be vocal about about the issues at hand, and people are automatically defensive. When I try to explain to them that I'm trying to express my feelings respectfully rather than just keeping my mouth shut, people don't seem to comprehend that notion. Things are seen in dichotomies: You speak up, and you're a “bitch” or you just keep your mouth shut (and maybe complain about it behind everyone's back and get nothing accomplished).
lysser

Sam,

Great post. I posted something kind of similar a bit ago on active listening when I explained my frustration with people who talk or ask questions but never really want a response.

I agree with you that we have to speak more mindfully. It's ok to stand up for oneself, but there is a way to do it respectfully. I am often encountered with the situation on which you write while I'm at work. People are stressed or caught up in office drama, and they become very oblivious to their actions and words. I am often on the other end, trying to be vocal about about the issues at hand, and people are automatically defensive. When I try to explain to them that I'm trying to express my feelings respectfully rather than just keeping my mouth shut, people don't seem to comprehend that notion. Things are seen in dichotomies: You speak up, and you're a “bitch” or you just keep your mouth shut (and maybe complain about it behind everyone's back and get nothing accomplished).
http://www.lifeschocolates.com/ sameve

Grace: I think it's great that you speak your mind, because you do include tact in your approach. However, it can be hard to always be the mediator. You're right, being passive and not saying what you think gets you nowhere. And yeah, if you're going to put yourself out there and speak your mind, you have to be willing to admit when you're wrong. Thanks for sharing “the Italian perspective”
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Grace: I think it's great that you speak your mind, because you do include tact in your approach. However, it can be hard to always be the mediator.

You're right, being passive and not saying what you think gets you nowhere. And yeah, if you're going to put yourself out there and speak your mind, you have to be willing to admit when you're wrong. Thanks for sharing “the Italian perspective”
http://www.lifeschocolates.com/ sameve

Alyssa: You make some very good points. It is often one extreme or the other. You're a bitch if you speak up and you're too timid if you don't. I wonder, if more people spoke their minds in respectful, diplomatic ways as I suggest in this post, would there be less of a dichotomy? If people realized that there is a middle road, there's a productive way to make yourself heard, I think communication could be much better. You're right though, we have to be conscious of how we say things, especially in high stress situations. Thanks so much for commenting! Glad to connect with you
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Alyssa: You make some very good points. It is often one extreme or the other. You're a bitch if you speak up and you're too timid if you don't. I wonder, if more people spoke their minds in respectful, diplomatic ways as I suggest in this post, would there be less of a dichotomy? If people realized that there is a middle road, there's a productive way to make yourself heard, I think communication could be much better. You're right though, we have to be conscious of how we say things, especially in high stress situations. Thanks so much for commenting! Glad to connect with you
http://littleinsomniaclolita.blogspot.com Andhari

I live with those two rules. But maybe with another one too : pick your battles. LOL. It might be bad but IU dont always vocal about things that bother me, if i can brush it off I usually do.
http://www.twentyorsomething.com/ Susan Pogorzelski

Sam,

Another great post! As I think I replied in another recent post of yours, I think you're absolutely right and that people tend to be oblivious — sometimes not intentionally, sometimes so wrapped up in their own world that they don't realize how much of what they say or do can affect the other person.

I'm a big believer in speaking up, as I've learned, too often, that people learn too late how people feel. Does this mean I always abide by that? Absolutely not, which seems a bit hypocritical. Sometimes, no matter how badly you want to say something, those words can't be spoken. But, more often than not, they should be.

Telling someone you love them, telling someone you appreciate them, telling someone you're angry, hurt, disappointed — if you let someone know how it affects you, they can make that step to changing their behavior, if they choose. That choice is up to them, but you voiced yourself, made them more aware.

I agree with the other comments that you have to choose your battles. Sometimes, it's better to brush it off. But if it's something that is consistently bothering you, hurting you, or you feel compelled to say it, I think it's important to listen to that. Because I think it's important to listen to yourself.

Just another $.02. Thanks for the post!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Wow…that's just ridiculous. Now the bride-to-be is always going to remember her bachelorette party as when her best friend ditched her for a guy. I commend you for your good sense and kind heart. You definitely did a great thing by staying with her.

As for overreacting, I don't think you did. Maybe on any normal day, but the bachelorette party, like the wedding, is supposed to be all about the bride, and the MOH's drunk behavior made it all about her instead. Not worth ending a friendship over or anything, but worth saying something about in my opinion. Thanks for sharing this story! I hope you managed to have fun, despite the chaos
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Naomi: I'm not a very confrontational person either, so if it's something small, I'll usually let it go too. I agree that “forgive and forget” is often a good policy, but if you keep letting things go all the time, you can get yourself into a pretty deep hole. Like you said, if someone is consistently hurtful, they need to be called out on it. Especially if you think they're doing it unintentionally. Otherwise, they'll just continue to do it. Great perspective, thanks for sharing!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Andhari: Picking your battles is very smart. You don't want to freak out about every little thing, but like Naomi said, if it's something that's consistently hurtful, something needs to be said. Glad you brought that up, thanks!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Susan: Wise, as always! I'm glad you're a big believer in speaking up, and don't worry that you can't always follow through on it. I can't either, but that's only human. You make a great point. By saying something, making your voice heard, you've done your part. Now the ball is in the other person's court. You're right, it's so important to listen to yourself. Thanks for your comments!
http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

Ugh, this is a problem and a blessing of mine I think. I'm upfront and say what I think, it's hard to hold it in sometimes (damn Italians). I'm usually the one of my friends who will confront or mediate between two arguing because they ask me and know that I will not be afraid. I don't bite my tongue too often, however, I've incorporated tact into my approach. I really don't want to hurt anyone, however, if I go around passive and not saying what I think it just gets me nowhere.

Being honest and saying what you think also goes hand in hand with admitting you're wrong, as well. Good thoughts and for me, always a work in progress
lysser

Sam,

Great post. I posted something kind of similar a bit ago on active listening when I explained my frustration with people who talk or ask questions but never really want a response.

I agree with you that we have to speak more mindfully. It's ok to stand up for oneself, but there is a way to do it respectfully. I am often encountered with the situation on which you write while I'm at work. People are stressed or caught up in office drama, and they become very oblivious to their actions and words. I am often on the other end, trying to be vocal about about the issues at hand, and people are automatically defensive. When I try to explain to them that I'm trying to express my feelings respectfully rather than just keeping my mouth shut, people don't seem to comprehend that notion. Things are seen in dichotomies: You speak up, and you're a “bitch” or you just keep your mouth shut (and maybe complain about it behind everyone's back and get nothing accomplished).
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Grace: I think it's great that you speak your mind, because you do include tact in your approach. However, it can be hard to always be the mediator.

You're right, being passive and not saying what you think gets you nowhere. And yeah, if you're going to put yourself out there and speak your mind, you have to be willing to admit when you're wrong. Thanks for sharing “the Italian perspective”
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Alyssa: You make some very good points. It is often one extreme or the other. You're a bitch if you speak up and you're too timid if you don't. I wonder, if more people spoke their minds in respectful, diplomatic ways as I suggest in this post, would there be less of a dichotomy? If people realized that there is a middle road, there's a productive way to make yourself heard, I think communication could be much better. You're right though, we have to be conscious of how we say things, especially in high stress situations. Thanks so much for commenting! Glad to connect with you
guest

im upset my dad is being mean
Babygirl12

I have a huge issue. So I’m getting married in two weeks. I had my bachelorette party last Saturday and it didn’t go according to as planned. I paid for the whole party, favor bags, decorations, cake, made up all the games. I planned the whole thing and paid for everything which as I’ve heard should have been up to the bridesmaids….I have 5 of them. First the day started with my maid of honor and I getting our hair done. I wasn’t going to go because I had no money to pay for it, even though I made the appointment and told her about this place she was still going to go with out me and never offered to pay for my hair, instead rubbed in my face that she was getting her hair done. I ended up borrowing money from my other friend to get it done. When we went to get our hair done Her hair come out gorgeous(not exaggerating at all) It was really pretty and I told her that instead she complained about it non stop. My hair came out so bad I left with out paying I was ready to cry I was soo mad. Worst hair experience ever!!! I had another friend of mine fix my hair and the MOH kept stealing the curling Iron to fix her already perfect hair. The party was starting at 5pm it was 4:45pm and nobody had decorated I was still getting my hair finished, When I asked someone to go decorate no one offered and the MOH told me she would have to miss the party and would meet up with us when we were ready to head to the cities to go clubbing because she needed to wash her hair and re-do it. After my hair was done she decided that she would go to party. I was at the party at 5:10pm and was left to decorate by my self. The party was fun I had aranaged an adult party which was really funny. Then we went back to the house and had some drinks, took pictures, got dressed ect. We had to take two different vicheles and I was in the one that had the drunk girl in it which was not one of my friends. When we went to pull out and get on the road the other car was no where to be found I tried calling the MOH who was in the other car no answer. Figuring they were already on the roads we procided to the high way I revived a call 5mns later telling me they were at the gas station and wanted us to turn around. I said that we should meet in a popular city which is the half way point to cities. The drunk girl kept repeatedly getting sick so we had to keep stopping to let her puke get her water/food. Then I got a text that they were at the half way point and had waited 20mns and weren’t going to wait any longer. They texted me the directions on how to get to the bar we were suppose to go to. By this time my time clock had stopped ticking and I exploded. I decided to go to the bar I originally wanted to go to but had been talked out of going to to because they thought this other one was more fun. I got nasty texts all night telling me I had a bad attitude ect. I just don’t see how U can ditch the bride on her bachellorette party. I had a blast that night though with 2 of my friends I hadn’t seen since high school. 2days have gone by and I received one half apology not from the MOH. All of the girls wrote on their facebook how much fun they had last night, ect. My fiance is mad at me because he feels I ruined the wedding which is in two weeks. I feel like if they treat me soo bad why would I want them in the wedding?!?!!??! His best man is married to my ex-MOH so that makes it even worse. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to be the one who calls the girls I feel they should call me and apologize. Am I wrong? I’ve been being pushed around by these girls the whole time and when I finally blow I’m a horrible person!?!?!??!?!?!? Every one says I’m too nice and finally I just had too many buttons pushed that night plus I had liquid courage in me. I need some one else’s opinion….please help me!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

Wow, I’m sooo sorry to hear about everything you’ve gone through. I’m a bride-to-be myself, and I know how stressful and complicated things can get. I am glad to hear that you managed to have a good time after all of the bachelorette party drama. As far as your MOH and other negative “friends,” I think you hit the nail right on the head when you said that if they treat you so badly, why would you want them in the wedding? That’s a very good question. It’s your wedding, you should be the center of attention, and your friends should be taking care of you. It sounds like some of your friends just latched on for the party and not for you, and that’s wrong. Of course, everyone has a bad night once in a while, and sometimes people don’t realize what they’re doing, but if it’s a string of events and repeated behavior, you might have to reexamine some of your friendships.

Look, when it comes down to it, your wedding day is about you and your husband-to-be. It should be a HAPPY day for you, and anyone who tries to make it any different probably doesn’t truly care about you. Just do whatever you have to do to have a beautiful wedding day full of love. Congratulations
Jadenise

Everytime I try to have a good day and my health is terrible and I feel halfway well except I have been having chest pains again all day my mother has to make me feel like a complete worthless piece of trash and do everything she can to ruin any happiness. She does not let me finish my sentences and says un huh before I am even done. She can not even repeat what I even have said. When I say she doesnt care she doesnt say anything back…