We all worry, some of us more than others. It’s so easy to get caught up in a downward spiral of worry and doubt, but just because it’s easy doesn’t mean it’s good. For me, worry is something that partners with anxiety, and all too often consumes every waking moment. I decided that I don’t want to live that way…in fact, I refuse to live that way. So, I picked up a book that’s been sitting on my book shelf for quite a few months: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. The book is old, it was first published in the 1940s and republished in the 80s, but it’s not outdated. The tips, advice and stories Carnegie shares are timeless.
In the preface, Carnegie advises the reader on how to get the most out of the book. He says to go through it with a pen and mark up the messages that you relate to most, then go back and read them again and again. After I finished the book the other day, I went back and compiled everything I had marked off with my green sparkly pen. Here it is, combined with my own experience and advice…
It has been said that nearly all of our worries and unhappiness come from our imagination
and not from reality.
Obviously, circumstances alone do not make us happy or unhappy. It is the way we react to circumstances that determine our feelings.
Shit happens. Sometimes, it’s really difficult, life changing, emotionally draining shit, but it happened, and there is nothing you can do to change that. In order to remain a sane, functional human being, we have to accept that there are certain things in life that are beyond our control. But, we are not totally powerless in these situations. When shit happens, we control how we react to it. It’s up to us whether we’re going to confront it with courage and optimism, or whether we’re going to collapse into a heap on the floor. We have that power. Carnegie also says: “I am deeply convinced that our peace of mind and the joy we get out of living depends not on where we are, or what we have, or who we are, but solely on our mental attitude.” Think about the impact your mental attitude can have on the rest of your life. A positive outlook can do wonders.
Okay, that sounds great…but what do I actually do? Try this “magic formula” from Willis A. Carrier:
- Ask yourself, “What is the worst that can possibly happen?”
- Prepare to accept it if you have to.
- Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst.
In other words, put things in perspective before you freak out. Maybe the worst that can happen isn’t quite as bad as you’re making it out to be in your mind. There is a difference between concern and worry. Carnegie says: “Concern means realizing what the problems are and calmly taking steps to meet them. Worrying means going around in maddening, futile circles.” And, think about this gem from Homer Croy: ”And so it is with many petty worries. We dislike them and get into a stew, all because we exaggerate their importance…” Give yourself a reality check every once in a while and make sure you’re appropriately concerned instead of unnecessarily worried.
As someone who has dealt with a number of worrisome situations in the past couple of years, there are two invaluable pieces of advice I can offer. The first is to take it one day at a time. Don’t get so caught up in worrying about the future that you forget to enjoy the present. The only thing you’ll get from doing that is regret. And what if all that worrying ends up being for nothing? How sad will you be that you missed out on life? No matter how much things suck at any given moment, maintain perspective. If you get overwhelmed, repeat these words to yourself until you believe them:
Just for today I will be unafraid, especially I will not be afraid to be happy, to enjoy what is beautiful, to love, and to believe that those I love, love me.
My second piece of advice is to find the good in every person and situation. No matter how difficult it is, find that silver lining in the cloud. As Carnegie said: ”Even if we don’t succeed, the mere attempt to turn our minus into a plus will cause us to look forward instead of backward; it will replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts; it will release creative energy and spur us to get so busy that we won’t have either the time or the inclination to mourn over what is past and forever gone.” Leave the past in the past and believe in yourself. You are far stronger than you know. This is something I have definitely learned about myself: in the face of pain, adversity, and fear, not only can I overcome, but I can come out on the other side a stronger person. You can too.
You can also figure out the root of your worries and cut it off. To start, don’t spend time and energy worrying about people who couldn’t give a crap about you. ”Experience has taught me,” says Sam Wood, “that it is safest to drop, as quickly as possible, people who pretend to be what they aren’t.” Get rid of the disingenuous in your life, and focus on the positive people who truly care. When people try to bring you down with negativity and criticism, remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment, but also remember that some criticism is intended as constructive. If someone offers you a critique that is sincere, based on knowledge, and sounds helpful, don’t be offended, be grateful for their honest advice. When all else fails, and you don’t think you can take it anymore, remember these wise words from Carnegie:
We may not be saintly enough to love our enemies, but, for the sake of our own health and happiness, let’s at least forgive them and forget them.
Worrying is a habit, and it can be broken. New habits can be formed in it’s place, like the practice of relaxation and calm. So, size up your worries. Think about the potential outcomes and if they’re actually as bad as what you envisioned. Take life one day at a time, deal with situations as they come. Live in the present as much as possible, and enjoy what you’ve got. Find the silver lining in the cloud, and believe in your own strength. Cut the negative out of your life, or at the very least, put it out of your mind. Don’t worry, be happy.
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