To Forgive, Or Not to Forgive?

by Samantha on March 29, 2011

That is the question. More than a year ago, I wrote about grudges and forgiveness. Some people are too quick to forgive, while others are too eager to hold a grudge. In that post, I shared this story:

I used to have a best friend. Long story short, after years of friendship, he chose his girlfriend over me, telling her the kinds of lies that should never, ever be spoken by one friend about the other. It was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever experienced, and I will always remember that feeling. I’ve seen him since, and we’ve exchanged pleasantries. The saddest part is that I don’t think he realizes how much he hurt me. There is no way that things will ever be the same, not even close, but I have to admit that there is a tiny part of me that holds out hope.

I’ve recently discovered that this former best friend is no longer in that toxic relationship. In fact, he hasn’t been for some time. Now, I’m faced with the decision of whether I want to reach out and try to reconnect. Part of me says, why not? Let bygones be bygones and give it a try. I’ll admit, I miss him, and there have plenty of times over the past few years when I’ve wished I still had him to talk to. But, on the other hand, the hurt goes deep. I don’t know if I can just go on like nothing happened. It’s not about holding on to a grudge, it’s about having respect for myself. I am a great friend, and a forgiving person, but you can’t hurt me and then get me back without realizing and admitting what you’ve done. Perhaps in time, I’ll be able to forgive, but I don’t know if I will ever forget.

In my opinion, life is too short to not give second chances, so I think I know what I’m going to do. I guess only time will tell if I’ve chosen the right thing.

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Tagged as: friendship, happiness, memories, Relationships, time, trust

  • http://www.suburbansweetheart.com/ Suburban Sweetheart

    I think this is a good way to go – if you don’t take the chance at taking him back & patching things up, you’ll always wonder & possibly regret. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work – but at least you’ll know for sure.

  • Ty Unglebower

    You are kinder than I would be. My experience has been that is someone has it in them to callously hurt someone deeply and not give a damn, they have it in them to do it again. That anyone capable of it, is not much of a person in the first place and despite the difficulty deserves to be scrapped.

    For our sake, I hope that is not the case this time.

  • http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

    It’s true you teach people how to treat you. Meaning – kindness is usually reciprocated with kindness, forgiveness is usually reciprocated with forgiveness, etc. However, if you’re the only one trying to make a mends, then quite frankly fuck ‘em.

    If you apologize sincerely and whole heartily and someone STILL doesn’t accept your apology and/or doesn’t apologize for their fair share as well, then I say fuck ‘em. Don’t allow yourself to feel hurt by them or feel hateful toward them. Don’t give others that power over you. Because for every minute you waste being consumed by that anger, you could spend working toward forgiveness. And when you do that, you open up time and space in your life/heart to invite new relationships in that are more deserving to be a part of your world.

    So if you ask me, I say forgive. Let go of the grudge for your own peace of mind and to keep you moving forward in life. Remember, for every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. Choose happiness!

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

    I agree, Kate. If I make the effort and he doesn’t respond, at least I’ll know I tried. Thanks for your input!

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

    I think the key is that I’m not going into this blind. When I do contact him, I plan to state flat out how much he hurt me in the past. To be frank, I want him to feel the pain I felt. Yes, I may give him another chance, but it doesn’t come without conditions. If he hurts me again, that’ll be the end. Thanks for your perspective!

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

    Great points, David. I think one of the reasons I want to make this effort is to make sure he knows how much he hurt me, but at the same time, let him know that I’m rising above hurt and anger. Life is too short for negativity. I’m definitely choosing happiness. If this friend wants to be part of that happiness, great. If not, it’s his loss. Thanks D!

  • http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

    Can I offer some boy to girl advice? Chances are he doesn’t know why you’re mad/hurt. And if he does, chances are even better that he can’t believe you would STILL be mad/hurt after all this time. Most guys tend to get over things pretty quickly and don’t give anymore thought to it. Whereas a lot of women tend to harbor those ill feelings for days, weeks, months and in this case even YEARS on end!

    Therefore as much as it may suck to hear this, don’t be surprised if he’s not in the same place as you are in terms of lingering emotions. So if you go to him basically asking for an apology, he may look at you like you’re crazy. And this may lead to another fight and more hurt feelings on your end. There’s no crime in getting things off your chest and telling him how you feel, just don’t go into the conversation expecting an apology from him.

    You can’t force someone to feel sorry for how they treated you anymore than you can change what has happened in the past. All you can do is control how you react to things. Basically all I’m saying is forgive for your own peace of mind, not to necessarily mend the relationship.

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

    Totally, and I get that difference. I wrote him an email today, and basically said that I don’t know if he knows how much he hurt me, but what he did pretty much broke my heart. That said, I don’t believe in hanging on to negativity, it’s in the past, and quite honestly I miss him and his friendship. With all the shit going on in my life over the past few years, it would have been nice to have him in my life.

    I don’t expect an apology, and I’m not hinging reconciliation on one. I just want him to be aware that he hurt me, whether it’s affirming something he already knew or enlightening him on the subject. We’ll see what happens. Thanks for your advice!

  • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

    I have often said, forgiveness is rarely for the forgiven but more for the forgiver.

    Think how much internal debate and struggle and pain you have had since this happened. And how much of that energy could have been put towards something that made you happy instead of made you sad.

    Reach out, have a frank conversation with him about what happened, and leave the next move up to him. He can apologize (he is a boy, chances are he might not even be fully aware of the situation) and try to make amends. Or he can be all “I don’t know why you are so upset” about the situation. Which will tell you if the remnants of the friendship you had are still there and worth salvaging or if you should let that ship sink to the bottom of the ocean.

    Either way, you will have made peace with your feelings, gotten the pain off your heart and out into the open, and attempted to keep someone who used to be so close just as close. You don’t have to forget everything, but if you forgive, you get to let go of it.

  • http://www.enteradulthood.com Diana Antholis

    My mom said something profound. “You don’t have to forget, but you don’t have to remember either.”
    Forgiving may help you not remember every day.

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

    Great advice, Elisa! I ended up writing him an email and telling him that he hurt me deeply, but I don’t want to hold on to that negativity anymore, and I miss his friendship. Even if he chooses not to respond, I said what I needed to say and I made the effort. If he doesn’t want to be my friend again, it’s his loss. Thanks for your perspective!

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

    Wise words from your mom! There’s something about getting things out in the open and being honest about what happened in the past that is very freeing, whatever the eventual outcome may be. Thanks Diana!

  • http://theofficeingenue.com Terri

    I’m with you, Samantha. I always need CLOSURE. Hopefully, you’ll be friends again after you talk, but if you decide not to be, i bet you’ll care less in the future that you aren’t.

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

    You’re right, Terri, it is like closure. I did send this friend an email, and have yet to hear anything back. But, although a very small part of me is sad, I know that I made the effort, and it’s his loss at this point. Thanks for commenting!

  • Nick

    I would love to read a follow-up to this… But I assume he hasn’t replied or else you’d have made a new blog post about this situation? I am in a similar situation, and I apologized many times and I still hope the girl would do the same thing as you and try to reach out.

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