Friendship in the Digital Age

by Samantha on October 26, 2009

On Saturday, I went to an awesome concert with Carla Blumenthal. We met up with my boyfriend’s friend/co-worker, who was there with his wife and several other couples. Before he knew how Carla and I knew each other, he started to explain that their group had become friends because their kids all go to the same preschool in New Jersey. Then he joked, “You don’t really make new friends after college until you have kids.” Little did he know that Carla and I prove his theory wrong.

I’m not even sure when we first connected, or how, but I remember thinking that Carla and I would get along very well. In fact, it was before we had even met in person when I asked Carla if she wanted to go to this concert with me. She must have gotten the same “kindred spirit” feeling that I had, because she excitedly agreed to go. As it turned out, when we did meet in person for the first time a few weeks ago, we had a great time. The concert was only the second time we hung out, but I don’t think anyone could tell. My boyfriend’s friend was surprised to hear how we’d “met,” and although he’s only a generation older than us, he seemed a little taken aback by the power of the digital world. (Acquaintances and friends of ours who we met up with throughout the night had similar reactions when they first heard our story, even though they are GenYers just like us.)

As I’ve said before, bloggers can be friends, too. Not everyone who comments on your blog or follows you on Twitter is destined to become your BFF, but with time and effort, real friendship is possible online. You can become friends with someone you’ve never met. Believe it or not, you can tell a lot about someone from their blog posts and tweets. Instant message conversations and Skype chats aren’t the same as talking face-to-face, but they go a long way towards getting to know people. All of this probably sounds weird and silly to people who aren’t a part of it. No one can deny that friendship in the digital age is different, but in my opinion, it’s different in a good way. I have gotten to know so many amazing people thanks to social media. My life definitely wouldn’t be the same without all of you.

Do you agree with me? Is it possible to be friends with someone you’ve never met? What have your social media experiences been like? Do you feel like you’ve formed some true friendships?

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Tagged as: Advice, Appreciation, bloggers, friendship, Gen Y, Relationships, Social Media

KayaCamilla

I love your site, and the blogs your posting :) Keep up the good work! As for me, its okay to have friends through social website, what is so scary is meeting them in person, without checking their backgrounds

sameve

Thanks so much! Meeting people in person can be scary, but I've only agreed to meet people in person after I've really gotten to know them online. Every time, it's been great, like we've known each other for years!

Dunki

Heck yeah!!!! I totally agree. I don't know what I would do without you, Susan, and Elisa in my life! I am closer to you 3 than I am to people I met in real life. and...case in point....I met my boyfriend on Twitter (@shoeges if you guys want to follow him). Susan said once in a phone conversation (yes, off twitter and more than 140 characters) that Twitter is brining the world closer and I agree. Online is no longer scary...its just making it possible for more people to meet who might not otherwise.

sameve

Kris: I feel the same way. I've met some of my closest friends online, and Susan's right, Twitter is bringing the world closer. It's amazing!

Carla Blumenthal

Sam- When I moved to Boston last year and New York this year I knew very few people. It's was definitely difficult to meet people who shared similar interests and passions. However, once I started reaching out to people on Twitter and blogs who also lived in the same area, I began to make closer friends.

Like Nisha said, some people think meeting people "online" is odd- but I think it makes complete sense. The Internet allows for people to form communities of people who share similar interests. If you are investing so much time on the web, why not take that relationship offline and actually form a real face-to-face relationship?

Thanks for writing such a nice piece, Sam-it made my day! Looking forward to spending more time together.

sameve

Carla: I'm so glad this post made your day! We had such a fun night on Saturday and it made me so grateful that social media brought us together. Plus, the conversation we had with Jason really got me thinking. Your point about meeting people in a new city is a very valid one. I moved from Massachusetts to New York in high school, and social networks really weren't popular (or in existence) yet. It definitely would have been easier if I could have connected digitally with people in my new town before moving there. Hope to see you again soon!

Elisa Doucette

As someone who is a bit closed off and reserved in most of her life, I cherish my online friendships. Sure, there are some that are closer than others (folks I chat on the phone with bi-weekly, friends who I'm able to drop in on with hours notice, people who I have long and involved email discourses with til the wee hours of morning, etc.) but the reality is that I feel like many people are more open online. I'm not sure what it is about "real life" that causes us to guard ourselves, but online people are more "them."

And the ones that aren't...well you learn pretty quick or you learn the hard way. That's the one downside, is folks who figured out how to be shady in the medium. Thus 3/4 of why the stigma exists, in my opinion.

sameve

Elisa: You're right. Unfortunately, there are still people who have figured out how to be shady in the online medium and take advantage of the trusting communities we have created. But, as long as you don't let those people ruin the experience for you, it can be totally worth it.

I've always been pretty shy in "real life," so I know exactly what you mean when you say that you cherish your online friendships. I feel the same way, and I think it's great that this space allows us to feel more comfortable with ourselves. Thanks for sharing your perspective!

jrmoreau

I've chosen to pursue a career that mainly consists of me being online and interacting with the people within my immediate area. Being introverted and withdrawn anyways makes meeting people out in public a challenge anyways. While I have tons of friends I've met in regular circumstances, I really enjoy many of my online friendships to a different degree than I do my real life ones. Seeing as I moved 1100 miles away from my hometown recently, having friends online that don't complain about that is kind of nice.

sameve

James: I totally get where you're coming from. The majority of my job involves social media as well, so I'm constantly immersed in it whether I'm at work or at home. Like I said to Elisa, I'm a pretty shy person, so I definitely appreciate the online space. Online friendships are different than real life ones, and it's easy to understand how you can enjoy them to a different degree. However, I think I prove your last sentence wrong because I have complained about you moving far away. But, it's only because you did so right after meeting me in real life for the first time...so I get a pass, right? Thanks for commenting :)

sameve

For some reason, my blog ate Matt Cheuvront's comment, so here it is:
I actually think the web is one of the ONLY ways to meet people outside of work and once you've graduated college. In "real life" we tend to develop very tight-knit friendships - we don't really reach out past the people we've known growing up. The web breaks down those initial barriers, allows for a good 'first point of contact' - and enables us to EASILY connect with like-minded people.

Akhila

Yes, I've met a couple of people from the blogging/twittering world, and it's great! I definitely think that a lot of people still think it's taboo - but this type of friendship is far different from the days of xanga, myspace "friendships" -- it's more professional. I think a lot of people need to understand that times are changing, and it's OKAY to make friends online via blogging, twittering, etc.

sameve

Akhila: Great point! This online world is different from that one, in part because we are older and more mature now and we've learned from past experiences. And you're right, one of the reasons that we connect with people online is for professional networking, and that makes a difference as well.

Elisa Doucette

As someone who is a bit closed off and reserved in most of her life, I cherish my online friendships. Sure, there are some that are closer than others (folks I chat on the phone with bi-weekly, friends who I'm able to drop in on with hours notice, people who I have long and involved email discourses with til the wee hours of morning, etc.) but the reality is that I feel like many people are more open online. I'm not sure what it is about "real life" that causes us to guard ourselves, but online people are more "them."

And the ones that aren't...well you learn pretty quick or you learn the hard way. That's the one downside, is folks who figured out how to be shady in the medium. Thus 3/4 of why the stigma exists, in my opinion.

sameve

Susan: Carla is awesome, and the next time you come visit me in NYC (hint, hint) you can see her too! It's so interesting that social media introduced you to people in your local community. You live in the same place, and yet, you never would have met otherwise. I'm very grateful to have met you too, and I totally understand the temptation to drive cross country and meet people. Distance is the one downside to social media in my opinion.

I think the fact that social media takes away some of our inhibitions and breaks down barriers is a double edged sword. If we're not normally confident in person, we can be more confident online, but at the same time, it's that much easier to get lost in creating a "better" version of ourselves and forget who we really are. You're exactly right though, social media only helps us see one layer of a person. When we actually make the effort to get to know someone, online and offline, is when we really get to know them.

You made a lot of sense, don't even worry about it. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!

Matt Cheuvront

I actually think the web is one of the ONLY ways to meet people outside of work and once you've graduated college. In "real life" we tend to develop very tight-knit friendships - we don't really reach out past the people we've known growing up. The web breaks down those initial barriers, allows for a good 'first point of contact' - and enables us to EASILY connect with like-minded people.

Akhila

Yes, I've met a couple of people from the blogging/twittering world, and it's great! I definitely think that a lot of people still think it's taboo - but this type of friendship is far different from the days of xanga, myspace "friendships" -- it's more professional. I think a lot of people need to understand that times are changing, and it's OKAY to make friends online via blogging, twittering, etc.

sameve

Nisha: You touch on an important point. Back when we were in middle school/junior high and AOL started to become popular, parents of preteens everywhere were rushing to set up parental controls to prevent the creepy kidnappers from contacting their kids. Who knows if there was actually any real danger, but there was certainly fear. So, I think it's probably difficult for people some people to forget about that when they think about the Internet. That said, times have changed, so maybe people should too. Thanks for commenting!

Susan Pogorzelski

I love this post, Sam -- and I love that you and Carla got to meet up! She's definitely on my top five social media connections I'm looking forward to meeting someday. Personally, I started taking these social media connections offline by meeting people in my local community and saw it as such a positive experience -- indeed, one of these social media friends has quickly become such a close real-life friend that it makes me often wonder if we would have otherwise met. Even for a small(er) community as my town is, it's big enough that you don't know everyone -- Twitter and blogging has changed that, brought us closer.

And then I met you -- and I think you were actually one of the first I'd met from the blogging world, which was just as great, for which I'm just as grateful. It makes me want to take Jetta and travel cross-country to meet all the other bloggers with whom I've had the pleasure of connecting.

Honestly, I have a difficult time getting close to people. While I like to think that I'm open and friendly with everyone, it takes me a long time to let down my guard and really warm up to people. I think this is why I love connecting online so much-- because it strips away those initial barriers, helps people get to know the real you, the deeper part of you. I think that there are different layers to a person -- social media maybe helps you see one layer, while connecting offline afterwards helps you to better understand that, to know the person as a whole.

So much to say and I'm not making sense. How's that for a Monday morning? I love that you got me thinking, though, love that we're all connecting. Great post!

sameve

Susan: Carla is awesome, and the next time you come visit me in NYC (hint, hint) you can see her too! It's so interesting that social media introduced you to people in your local community. You live in the same place, and yet, you never would have met otherwise. I'm very grateful to have met you too, and I totally understand the temptation to drive cross country and meet people. Distance is the one downside to social media in my opinion.

I think the fact that social media takes away some of our inhibitions and breaks down barriers is a double edged sword. If we're not normally confident in person, we can be more confident online, but at the same time, it's that much easier to get lost in creating a "better" version of ourselves and forget who we really are. You're exactly right though, social media only helps us see one layer of a person. When we actually make the effort to get to know someone, online and offline, is when we really get to know them.

You made a lot of sense, don't even worry about it. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!

Nisha

I totally agree because I've seen it happen -- but I'm surprised by the number of people who still think "meeting people online" is scary and crazy. There's def. still a stigma there....

sameve

Nisha: You touch on an important point. Back when we were in middle school/junior high and AOL started to become popular, parents of preteens everywhere were rushing to set up parental controls to prevent the creepy kidnappers from contacting their kids. Who knows if there was actually any real danger, but there was certainly fear. So, I think it's probably difficult for people some people to forget about that when they think about the Internet. That said, times have changed, so maybe people should too. Thanks for commenting!

Nisha

I totally agree because I've seen it happen -- but I'm surprised by the number of people who still think "meeting people online" is scary and crazy. There's def. still a stigma there....