Last April, I wrote a post called Bloggers Can Be Friends Too. It was all about how the concept of friendship had taken on a new meaning since I became a part of the social media community. I was clear to point out that I didn’t consider every person I connected with a friend, but that it takes more time and effort, and one-on-one conversation. Nine months later, I still believe that bloggers can be friends, too. In fact, over that span of time, I’ve been fortunate to meet a number of bloggers in person. But, time and experience have also taught me some things about online friendship that I want to share.
Fortunately, it’s not scary to “meet” people online like it was when we were growing up, but that doesn’t mean that we should leave our guard down completely. Although someone may actually be the 20-something PR professional who they claim to be, the Internet allows us to filter out the parts of our personality that we want people to see. In other words, someone who seems totally nice and genuine through Twitter and IM, may not actually be that way. So, before you go promising to be best friends forever, try hearing their voice on the phone, or one better, video chatting on Skype. The best thing you can do is meet them in person, when it’s feasible. There is a certain kind of connection that can only be formed face-to-face.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a total cynic. In fact, I love connecting with new people, and I am so grateful to social media for putting me in touch with some of the most amazing people I’ve ever known. I certainly acknowledge that, just like our offline friends, our online friends each fall into certain roles, and we don’t need everyone we connect with to become a best friend for life. In fact, it’s kind of freeing to be able to talk to people who don’t know your whole life story.
I’m not trying to discourage anyone from making friends online, I’m just giving a word of warning. Remember that friendships are a kind of relationship, and when it comes down to it, you get what you give. Sometimes, you’re going to get less than you give, and sometimes you’re going to get more, that’s just part of life. If you read this blog on a regular basis, you’re probably wondering what I did with Sam. Usually I write about all of the wonderful things about friendship and how amazing my friends are. Don’t worry, I’m still here. There are still many wonderful things about friendship, and I do have amazing friends, and I’m still grateful for every single one of them.
What do you think? Can bloggers be friends too? What have you encountered when trying to create friendships through online connections?
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Great post, Sam. I think that this is a really important point – and it definitely speaks to the concern that many of us have about our online vs. real life relationships. It's important to be conscious of where these friendships fit. I really like to speak honestly and openly with people in both arenas, but it is obviously more difficult to be 100% YOU when there is a computer screen in between.
Thanks for these insights
Sam,
This post is one that I can definitely relate to, so I appreciate it especially in that respect. As I had expressed to you a few weeks ago, for awhile I felt a bit jaded and cyncial by some of the things I had been seeing in the online community, namely in that the community seemed to have shifted. Perhaps it was just me, as I come to these platforms looking for real connections, and so I was discouraged and disappointed in people I once held in such high esteem. I would watch people interacting and wonder at how it seemed fake and forced, rather than genuine and true. Friendships shouldn't be fickle. Friendships shouldn't be about marketing and popularity and “what will this do for me.” That's a business. That's not a friendship.
At least, not to me. And not as someone who takes her relationships seriously, believing, at the end of the day, that love and friendship is what matters most in life. That's again a personal philosophy, but here's something I realized while learning from all of this:
The people who matter will matter.
That is, the people who genuinely care about you, the people who want your friendship as much as you cherish theirs, the people who are the true friends are the ones who matter most. Sure you can learn from others and form some incredible connections, and of course it's wonderful to meet new people and see where those relationships will take you. Yet, as the saying goes, people come into our lives for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime. And while it's painful and disappointing to see who falls into the first two, it's that last one that makes all the difference.
Friendship online is very much like friendship in the offline world, it's just a new way of meeting. In the end, it's the people you want to grow with, rather than without, that you know you want to hang onto.
Great post, Sam, as always.
Yay! I posted a comment on the first try! Your blog loves me again!
Yay! I posted a comment on the first try! Your blog loves me again!
I guess this is a good time as any to let you know I've been posing as 20-something marketing professional. I'm really a 42 year old tranny from the Bronx. Let's meet IRL tonight and play Connect Four. :p
Beth: It's great that you like to be honest and open with all of your friends, online and offline. Do you think it's difficult to be 100% you online because there's that temptation to be more like the person you want to be or wish you were?
You are a perfect example of the awesomeness of meeting in person. We pretty much hit it off right away when we started talking online, and I just had a feeling that we would get along well in person too. We already had the foundation for a great friendship, but, as corny as it sounds, I think meeting in person really solidified everything. Bottom line: You're awesome, and we need to hang out again stat
Thanks for commenting!
I totally agree. People can represent themselves however they want online, but it's rarely (in my experience) who they fully are in person or after you get to know them. I think it's fine to keep reading these blogs, but if we were all a little more mindful of who we were taking advice from, it would be better.
You always articulate yourself so beautifully, Susan! I'm glad, and not surprised, that you were able to relate to this post. We have both noticed some changes in people, and in the community, and found them equally unsettling. The thing is that not everyone is like us, not everyone gives and cares so much. Some people use social networking strictly for business, and don't want to become personally invested in these channels. On the one hand, I can understand that, but on the other, I feel like there must be some sort of balance or middle road. Social media presents us with the amazing opportunity to connect and befriend people from around the country and the world. I think that's pretty amazing.
As for friendship in general, I think your personal philosophy is a great one. The people who are true friends are the ones who matter most. However, I don't consider all of the people who come into our lives for a reason or a season disappointments. Some of them can still have a positive impact on our lives or create great memories, and just end up at a different place in life. Your last line definitely holds true in my life. There are certain people who I just can't imagine my life without, and those are the ones who are worth the effort. Thanks for your fantastic insight!!
Woohoo!
I knew it! I'm totally up for some Connect Four, you just make your way up to NYC!
Haha thanks, Mr. Comedian
Ryan's comment made me crack up.
This still hearkens back to the days of “chat rooms” (remember those?). Except for it's not so creepy. I think all of the social media linked together goes some ways towards abating that. If you're going to be dishonest about yourself, you'll have to manage an entire infrastructure of lies on FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, Brazen etc…
So, 1. that would take talent and 2. that would take a really good memory.
And I think like all friendships, the online to IRL ones have to follow the same steps and it's up to us to know what is appropriate at each level.
Thanks for the thoughtful post as always Sam!
Yay for awesomeness in person!!!
I think that its less about fulfilling expectations of what the person wants me to be, but more that I want to always stay guarded until i KNOW what i have in front of me. It's hard for a person to be themselves online 100% of the time, but I know that being honest and truthful is the way to go
I definitely didn't mean they were disappointments and really do believe, like you, that sometimes these people can create the greatest impact — and sometimes never even know it.
I meant more that it's a shame that they're only there for a reason or for a season when you once imagined them to be there for a lifetime.
So much for articulation
Great point, Rebecca. We should definitely be mindful when we're taking advice from people. Like I said, I don't want to discourage people from making friends online, they just need to be cognizant of the possibilities that are out there, and take things with a grain of salt until they know people. Thanks for your comments!
Mehnaz: Ryan's comment was priceless! I totally remember chat rooms! They were so intriguing when we were younger…it was like the great unknown. You make a very important point that I didn't really consider. All of these social sites are linked together, so really being someone you're not would require a lot of time and effort, and a fantastic memory. However, I'm not necessarily talking substantial personality differences. It could be something smaller that's easier to conceal. But, it is up to us to judge what is right and what is true. Thanks for the insight
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