I have a confession to make…I’m lost. My brain feels like it’s on the fritz most days, and I’m having trouble focusing. I know I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not sure how to get there. There are days when I share and share, but I feel like no one’s listening anymore, and honestly, I can’t blame them. I’ve lost touch with so many people who I used to talk to every day. I’ve lost touch with myself too, and I’m trying to get that back. I’m trying to get back to taking good care of myself and working on self-love. I’m even going to therapy and dealing with my bigger life issues. And yet, there are times when I feel like I’m floating on the open sea, completely and utterly alone. I love to write, but as I was putting together my blogoversary post last week, I realized that this blog hasn’t done that well in the past year. I had to go out of my top 10 posts to find the most viewed one from this year, and comments have significantly decreased.

I want so many things to be different. I promised myself that this year I would be better at taking action and following through, and already I’m faltering, procrastinating, letting things be. For most of my life, I have prided myself on being a good friend, but for the past few months, I’ve definitely been slacking off. It takes forever for me to call people back. I mean to reach out and reconnect with people who have drifted away, but I don’t. A lot of those people I feel disconnected from are fellow bloggers (you know who you are). Yeah, part of it is that I spend most of my days at work with my nose in Excel spreadsheets instead of on social media, but it’s also because I’ve been subconsciously pulling away.

I believe in the importance of honesty, openness and authenticity, especially here…but, I haven’t been completely honest with you. I haven’t been telling you that I am so incredibly frustrated with myself. That I feel like there are two halves of my brain: the ambitious, motivated side, and the let’s stay comfortable, spazzy side. I’m not sleeping well…or I am sleeping well and I still feel utterly exhausted. I don’t know why. I’ve been slowly retreating into myself without even noticing, and that’s not the kind of life I want to live. When I’m old, I want to be able to look back on my life and feel like I’ve lived it to the fullest. I don’t feel that way now. This isn’t me looking for sympathy. I’ve got a great life and plenty of people who love me. There are so many people and things for which I’m thankful. This is me being honest with you and with myself.  It’s me apologizing for not being myself. It’s me sending up a flare and saying I don’t want to be lost anymore.

What do you do when you feel lost?

The other day, someone I follow tweeted this post from Peter Shankman. It’s called How to Have a Crappy Day and Not Piss Off the Rest of the World. Overall, I think it’s great advice, but there’s one point with which I must respectfully disagree. Shankman’s first tip is the following:

“Put down the device. Nothing good ever comes from posting publicly what a crappy mood you’re in. (Unless you’re doing it in a blog post with the goal of helping people, so shut up.) No one wants to know you’re having a tough time – Close friends do, and they’ll be there to help you. But your followers and fans have their own crap to deal with, they don’t need yours. Tweeting how your life sucks at the moment guarantees only one thing: You’ll lose followers and fans. Don’t do it.”

While I can see what he’s getting at, and there is definitely a line for what’s okay to share, I believe very strongly in authenticity. Everyone has crappy days, weeks and months. Anyone who claims otherwise is full of shit. Some of the best bloggers I know have shared their trials and hardships through tweets, status updates and blog posts. Part of what makes them successful and respected is their honesty and humanity. In my opinion, tweeting how your life sucks at the moment guarantees that you’re being honest and real. If people don’t like that, do you really want them as followers and fans?

Of course, discretion is essential on good days and crappy days. Once something goes out into the interwebs, you can’t get it back. So, if there’s even a slight chance that you might regret what you say about your crappy day, think twice before you click tweet or publish. But, one of the great things about social media is the social aspect, the community. A crappy day can be greatly improved with some words of encouragement and virtual hugs. Just knowing you’re not alone, and bad stuff happens to everyone, can do wonders. This is something I know firsthand.

Bitter rants with specific names of exes/clients/professors/co-workers are not okay. But, expressing your honest sadness, anger, or frustration is a yes in my book. There’s nothing wrong with being you, all of you.

I had my bridal shower on Sunday, and it was amazing! My mom is incredibly creative, and put everything together with so much love (and the help of my wonderful bridesmaids). Two of my aunts came from out of state to be there, and I was surrounded my friends and family who love and care about me. I got a lot of really awesome presents, too!  I had a great time, and was reminded just how lucky and blessed I am…but, something was missing. Actually, two someones: my grandmas.  So, I wanted to write a little about them and how awesome they were so they know that they haven’t been forgotten.

My dad’s mom was named Ruth, but I called her Nana. She was very sweet, but definitely a tough cookie too. Nana loved to volunteer, and she was very active at her synagogue, especially in Sisterhood. She received awards and recognition for the work she did there and was known by many. Nana was also an avid card player, and would often host gatherings at her house. Two of the things I admired most about her were her strength and independence. When my grandpa passed away in 2002, she was sad, but she didn’t let his death stop her from living her life. It wasn’t like she didn’t miss him, but she understood that he would have wanted her to keep on living and doing the things she loved. Nana wasn’t an overly emotional person, but I knew she loved me very much. She passed away suddenly while visiting family in 2004. My dad was on his way back from seeing her when it happened, and he found out when his plane landed back home. It was right before Mother’s Day and I had made Nana a card for the first time since I was little. I know she would have loved all of this wedding stuff. She would sit there quietly with a hint of a smile on her face, but inside she’d be gushing with happiness and pride. I can picture her at the wedding in a cute little skirt suit with a pin on the lapel.

My mom’s mom Eleanor was my Gawa. Somehow, that’s what I got from the word ‘grandma,’ and it stuck. She was outgoing and funny, and she had a unique fashion sense. Gawa loved soap operas and going to the beach. She always enjoyed doing girly things with me and my mom, the only girls in the family (my mom has two brothers who each have two sons), and we took many shopping trips together, including buying my Bat Mitzvah and prom dresses. My Gawa had a huge heart and was incredibly friendly. It was always amusing to go out with her and see how many conversations she would have with random people. Gawa was incredibly fun and vibrant, that’s what made it especially hard when she got dementia. Slowly, we watched that vibrancy disappear, crossing our fingers every time we went to visit that she would remember who we were. Gawa passed away in the summer of 2008, but we’d lost her a few months before. The real Gawa, before the dementia, would have wanted to be involved in as much of the wedding planning as possible. I know she would have loved going dress shopping and talking about all of the details. She would have worn some funky ensemble with beads and some sort of artsy clip-on earrings. Gawa would have been absolutely glowing, and she definitely would have cried through the whole ceremony.

My grandmas weren’t at my shower, and they won’t be physically there on my wedding day, but they will definitely be in my heart. I will also have a pin from each of them attached to my bouquet, and their pictures will be displayed along with my grandpa, Rob’s grandparents, and my friend Max on a special memorial table. Don’t get me wrong, I had such a fantastic time at my shower, and I know the wedding will be absolutely beautiful, but I can’t help wishing I could have shared it all with these two special ladies. Nana and Gawa, I miss you both and I hope you’re in a peaceful place watching down on me with a smile.

Cherish the time you have with the ones you love. Don’t take a single day for granted. When they’re gone, try and remember the happy times you shared and the memories you made. That’s what they would want for you.

Empty, my house is empty.  Actually, as of yesterday, it’s not even my house anymore. It’s someone else’s house, and soon it will be full again, with their furniture, pictures, and knickknacks, with their laughter and music. This is the third time I’ve left a house behind, and I thought it would be easy. I only lived in this house for two years before heading off to college, and sporadically after that. But, what I realized, as I packed boxes and watched the movers carry out every last item, was that this might be the toughest house to leave.

The house itself was nice, with plenty of space, but it’s not the physical structure that I’ll miss. Every room, even when empty, was full of memories. That house played host to many a sleepover, birthday celebration and Israel trip meeting. It was where Rob and I first said, “I love you,” where we toasted our engagement with family and friends, where I studied for my road test and AP exams.  But, it wasn’t all good memories there.  It was at the kitchen table that my parents told me they were getting separated. The living room held a minyan to mourn the passings of each of three grandparents. Many times, I sat on the carpeted floors to nurse a broken heart, or stared at myself in the mirror trying to feel beautiful.

Closing the door on each empty room was symbolic of the significance this move has in our lives. It’s about a fresh start, moving on, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. As I watched my mom cry while we took the mezuzah off of the front door, and fought back tears myself, I was reminded that we’re moving on as a broken family.  Something I never, ever thought we would be. The irrational part of me wanted to open all the doors and put everything back in its place, thinking maybe this would make things right. But, in reality I know that will never happen. The past few years have taught me that I’m stronger than I realized. I’ve also learned that it takes a while to heal. Sometimes life hands you lemons. Even if you take the high road and choose to make lemonade, it might taste a little sour at first. But, you’ll find the sweetness eventually.

I know everyone and their mother has been speaking out about the recent suicides of gay young people, and the bullying that preceded them. I don’t usually like to write about things that have been written about a lot before, but this is a topic that cannot be written about or discussed enough. I’m no expert on suicide (thankfully), and I don’t know what it’s like to be gay. Fortunately, I don’t have all that much experience with bullying either. But, there’s a greater issue here that I can speak to, and that’s being different.

We all have things that make us unique. Not one person is the same, and thank goodness! Life would be pretty boring if we were all like clones of each other. Sure, we may have a lot in common with certain people, but even identical twins have distinguishing features. Some of the things that make us different are visible from the outside, and some are not. Even if our “different” thing is something we share with a group of people, what it means to us, and for us, and how we take ownership of it is not likely to be the same. For example, I’m Jewish. I have quite  a few friends who are also Jewish, but they are various levels of observant and spiritual. Faith means something different to each one of us.

Here’s the thing that really bothers me about all this. There’s this misconception that’s been going around for a very long time that different is bad. We should be afraid of that which we do not know or understand. To be frank, I think fear of the unknown was a major factor that led to the Holocaust. Hitler fed on peoples’ fear and uncertainty and singled out those who were different in some way as targets. The thing is, new situations and people who we don’t completely understand can be scary…but that doesn’t mean we have to be afraid. Instead, we can and should take it as an opportunity to learn and expand the breadth of our knowledge.

I’m not naive enough to say that if we all took this approach, and passed it on to future generations, bullying would be no more. But, it would certainly be less if we would all open our minds and our hearts and stop generalizing. There are things that make us different from one another, but there is also so much that we have in common. Let’s embrace the differences and enjoy the commonalities. We’ll be much happier and have much more interesting circles of friends.  And spread the word that different is good. It seems like there are a lot of people out there who need to hear that message.

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So, I had this whole plan to write a post about appreciating our freedom, in honor of the upcoming July 4th holiday. I wasn’t sure when I was going to write it, since life has been particularly busy recently. And then, all of a sudden, my schedule opened up…and I also got an even more relevant topic for a blog post.

Okay, here it goes, deep breath…I’m unemployed. Yep, as of yesterday, I am a free bird. The position that I had at my company for the past year and a half has been eliminated. This came as a complete shock, and I was pretty upset as I packed up my spare shoes and desk toys on my way out. But, as the day went on, I realized that I had a choice.  I could feel bad for myself, think about how life just keeps handing me lemons, and wonder why the universe seems to have it out for me; or, I could make the most of this opportunity and see it as a blessing in disguise. If you’ve read any of my other posts about the challenges I have confronted in the past couple of years, you will not be surprised to know that I chose the latter.

A couple of friends have posts up today about setting goals for the second half of 2010.  What a timely topic! So, here’s my goal for the rest of this year:  be happy! I know, you were probably expecting me to say “get a job,” and while that’s included in “be happy,” it’s certainly not all of it.  Yes, a top priority is finding a job, something that I can bring my skills and experience to, and something that I truly enjoy doing. I’m going to believe in myself and be confident in what I can bring to the table. When I do find something, I want to wake up every day and be excited to go to work, and if not every day, than at least most days.  I also want to be happy about myself.  I just joined a new gym, and I’m really pumped about it.  And now that I don’t have to sit at a desk all day, I can get outside and enjoy the fresh air more.  I’m also planning my wedding, and I have been determined from the start for the fun to overtake the stress of the experience. So far, stress is winning out, but soon most of the big things will be out of the way and it’ll be all fun.

Look, if I’ve learned nothing else the past two years, it’s that we can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to each situation. Yes, this sucks, but I’m choosing to find the silver lining in the cloud, to realize that it could be much worse, and to look at this as a fresh start. I mean really, the possibilities are endless, isn’t that exciting?!

Helplessness is one of the worst feelings in the world. Seeing someone you love in pain and not being able to do a thing to make it better is excruciating.  You try to be logical and remind yourself that there are certain things that are beyond your control, and this is one of them, but it doesn’t help. If you could take their pain upon yourself you would. You would make a deal with the devil, give everything you have for a big fast forward button. But, no matter how hard you wish, there is still no such thing as a time machine, and no amount of bargaining will make it all go away.

So, you try to be strong, while you hold back tears, and somehow find words of reassurance to offer. You’re there when you can be, for support and companionship and distraction. And when you can’t, you call on the phone and send e-mails and messages. You hold on to hope that things will get better, because they have to. This feeling will go away eventually, and G-d willing, so will the pain. Until then, you just take it one day at a time, because that’s all you can do.

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Wow, what a week. The past six days have been filled with so much death and sadness. I got an update from my dad on the story I wrote about earlier this week. The boy’s mother did end up passing away, and it turns out that the other driver was arrested for DWI. Then, three tragic loses in Hollywood: Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. And, one of my best friends from college lost her father this week as well. I hope they all rest in peace, and that their families, friends, and fans can find some comfort in the happy memories they shared with those who are no longer with them. Remember, if you know someone going through a tough time, all you have to do is be there.

After a week like this, we all need a little encouragement. So, I brought out some old, reliable words of wisdom:

This is a set of bookmarks that my aunt gave me a long time ago. I was probably a teenager at the time, and I had no idea how powerful these words actually were. If you can’t read them, they say:

The only way 2 live happily ever after is 2 do it one day at a time.

Success is loving what you do! (DO WHAT YOU LOVE!)

if you are too busy 2 laugh, u are too busy.

Despite the pastel colors, metallic print, and numbers in place of letters…if you think about it, these are truly words to live by.  Take life one day at a time, and make the most of every day. Do what you love if you want to achieve true success; It’s worth the risk. No matter how much you have going on in your life, good or bad, make sure you always have time to laugh every day. Have fun, live a little, don’t let yourself have any regrets.

Sometimes time goes by so quickly that it leaves us in the dust, wondering where it went. We say things like, “It seems like only yesterday…” and “Wasn’t it just December?”  Other times, it’s the exact opposite. Time drags by. One year feels like ten. Something that happened just twelve months ago seems like a distant memory. We say, “That was only a year ago?” and “I can’t believe it’s not even June.”  The latter of the two describes what the past year has been like for me. In fact, this has been the longest year of my life.

This time last year, I was graduating from college. It was literally twelve months ago, and yet it feels like so much longer. If you had told the me walking across that stage last May receiving her diploma, what her life would look like only a year later, she probably would have laughed in your face. This has been a year of so many emotions, the most prominent ones being sadness, pain, shock and grief. For quite a few months,  nothing was going right. Things kept happening, and none of them were good. It was like I kept getting punched in the stomach. The first few times, it knocked the wind out of me, but I got back up and kept on going. After a while though, I found myself looking to the heavens and saying, please let there be something good, I don’t know how many more punches I can take.

There are some of these “punches” that I’ve written about here, and some that I haven’t. If you’re a regular reader, I hope you know that I always do my best to be as genuine as possible, but there are just some things that I’m not ready to share. Nonetheless, here I am again, pouring out my heart, and you might be wondering why. It’s because I want to tell you something very important: this has been the longest, most difficult year of my life, but I’m here and I’m okay.

As the punches persisted, the people who care about me kept telling me that things would get better. As much as part of me wanted to tell them to stop feeding me bullshit,  in a little corner of my heart, I believed them, and I held on to that hope. Here I am, looking back a year later and I can tell you that my life will never be the same. There are things that have changed, and they will never go back to the way they were.  But, I’m okay.  I was broken, but I’ve started to put myself back together.

Throughout this year, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I am stronger than I thought I was. If I can make it through a year where life as I knew it was turned upside down, I can probably make it through anything. And I’m sharing this with you because I know everyone has days, months, and years like I’ve had.  Stress, sadness, or pain overcome you, and you don’t believe that they’ll ever go away. Take it from someone who knows, things will get better. I promise I’m not just feeding you bullshit. It’ll take some time, and you probably won’t notice it for a while. But, you can make it, you are stronger than you know.  In the wise words of Dory in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

Can you think of a time in your life when time went especially slowly, or when it seemed to whiz by? What do you think influences how we perceive the speed of our days, months and years? Has the past year gone by quickly or slowly for you?

Have you ever read a blog post offering advice on a particular subject and thought, “who are you to be telling me what to do?” We often talk about the importance of being authentic, and only writing about things we know, or have experienced, or would try ourselves. But, we don’t always back up our authenticity by sharing our own story, we just reference it generally and then proceed to give advice. It might be my journalism major kicking in, but I believe it’s important to support what I say, so that’s what I’m going to do.

I write frequently about appreciation, appreciating life, appreciating our family, and friends, appreciating what we have. My goal in writing about these things is to remind people to appreciate every day, so they won’t have any regrets.  I had the opportunity to contribute to a great series called the Inconvenience of Change, on Life Without Pants, and my post was featured this week. I wrote about when my dad had a heart attack, and was forced to make changes in his life, but wished he had made them sooner. As I said in that post, that was the scariest night of my life, and I will always remember every detail. That was the first time that I realized how precious life is and that you never know what’s going to happen. Since then, I have made a conscious effort to tell my parents I love them as much as possible, whether on the phone or in person, whether I’m going out for an hour, or traveling across the world. I buy them sappy cards for their birthdays and mother’s day/father’s day because I want them to know how grateful I am to have them.

My second reality check happened just last summer. Before I tell you what happened, I’ll give you some background. I’ve always spent a lot of time at temple, my dad is a rabbi after all, and I happen to enjoy being there, which works out well. I was always active in youth group in Massachusetts, but was a little wary when we moved to New York the summer before Junior year of high school. Fortunately, I met some great people, including Max. We were pretty unlikely friends, but that never bothered us. The Max I knew was a sweet, funny, caring person, with a big heart.  At school though, Max fell in with a bad crowd and put up a tough exterior to protect himself. He got into trouble and made some bad decisions, but he wasn’t proud of them. I remember that he would always be hesitant to tell me about that part of his life because he didn’t want me to think less of him.

Another thing about Max was that he wanted more out of life. He had dreams, and he realized that the only way he would have a chance would be to start over somewhere else.  So, a couple of years ago, he moved in with family in Florida. It was so good for him. He sent messages to both me and my dad talking about how happy he was, how he was really turning his life around. Max’s first goal was to get his GED, and he worked hard to accomplish it. Finally, the day came when all of his hard work would pay off, and he went to take the final test towards his GED. Afterward, he was so excited that he decided to go out and celebrate. I’ve heard different stories about what happened next, but all that matters is that a bad decision was made. A certain pill was mixed with the alcohol Max was drinking, and his heart couldn’t take it. For me, it’s horribly ironic that someone with such a big heart also had such a weak heart. Just like that, Max was gone.

I was in Ohio when I found out. My mom and I were going through my grandma’s stuff, she had passed away only a month before, when my dad called. He said he had some bad news, and he could barely get through telling me. I was in such complete shock that it took a while for the reality to sink in. It’s one of those things that I will never, ever understand. Here was someone who had a hard life, but refused to give up, and had finally started to turn his life around. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked why, knowing I will never get an answer. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about Max. I miss him. It’s not like we talked every day or knew each other forever, but he was an important part of my life.

We are not invincible, and we never know what tomorrow will bring. I can’t remember the last time I told Max that I was proud of him for turning his life around. I have no idea if I ever thanked him for being such a great friend. I never want to feel that way again, so I am honoring his memory by appreciating the people in my life, and urging others to do the same. The reason I’m writing about this now, is because this Sunday I will be attending Max’s unveiling ceremony. An unveiling is a Jewish custom when the headstone is formally unveiled. It takes place within a year after someone dies, and it’s an opportunity to honor and remember them with close friends and family. This is the first time I will be visiting Max’s grave. I was too upset to go to the burial after the funeral. I know it will be extremely difficult, but I want to be there. I happened to be present when Max’s dad was talking to my dad about what to put on the headstone, and he was deciding whether to include the word “friend.” Before he even finished asking, I was already nodding emphatically, and my dad said to his dad, “there’s your answer.”

This was a pretty difficult post for me to write, but like I said, this is my way of honoring my friend’s memory. So, please take the opportunity to appreciate someone today.  It’s so easy in this high tech world of ours. In fact, I will end with this: thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I appreciate it more than you know.