Yesterday, my friend Natania told me she’d been thinking about something, but she just wasn’t able to articulate her thoughts. She immediately thought of me, and knew it would be a good topic for a blog post. Natania was thinking about how our relationships with friends change when we’re in a romantic relationship. Some people end up abandoning their single friends and opting more for outings with other couples. Others ditch everyone and just spend time with their significant other.  Then there are the people who go out with a large group of friends, but spend the whole time talking to (or making out with) each other. As someone who has been in a serious relationship for almost six years, I believe that  the degree to which things change or do not change depends both on the couple and on the friends.

When Rob and I started dating, we were sophomores in college, a five hour drive from one another. I’d had a pretty crazy freshman year, including some blurry nights at New Haven clubs. Yet, even a few months into this relationship, I had a feeling that I was in it for the long haul, and after two months of constant togetherness, being apart was hard. Most of my friends were single and wanted to go out and make out with boys, just like we used to do. For a while, I didn’t know how to balance being in a long distance relationship with still having fun with my friends. So, I was lame and self conscious, and often chose not to go out at all. I definitely missed out on some great times, and looking back, I really wish I had done things differently.

That said, being in a relationship is an adjustment, and learning how to be yourself and be part of a couple is a process. Over the years, Rob and I have both learned how to make time for each other and our friends. It helps that we have great friends who really care about both of us. We hang out with couples and single people, sometimes at the same time. I think it helps that we’re respectful and conscious of who we’re with at any given time. It’s also very important to us to have alone time with our closest friends. I work with one of Rob’s best friends, and one night, he and I rode the subway up to our neighborhood together. He was meeting Rob for dinner, and he had just assumed that I was going too. But, I got off the train one stop before him and told him to enjoy guy time. Then, I went home and watched wedding shows on TV

Yes, being in a relationship does change things. But, if you make sure your friends know they’re still a top priority, and make an effort to get to know your significant other’s friends too, things can change in a good way. If anyone feels like a third wheel, it’s probably mostly in their head. They’re just scared of losing you and being left out. If they’re truly a friend they should know that you value them too much to ever let them go.

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Communication: It’s key to every relationship, whether romantic, platonic, familial or professional. To be a successful communicator, you must master both expressing yourself and listening to others. Some people are better at it than others, and some are not nearly as good as they think. We all have to remember that people are not mind readers. If something is bothering us, we have to speak up about it. Chances are, the person didn’t even realize what they were doing.

Over the weekend, I had a very difficult discussion that’s been a long time in the making. I felt that a certain person had not been himself around me, and this hurt me deeply. He had no idea I felt that way, because I’d never said anything before. We talked about relationships of different kinds and how much of an effect communication, or miscommunication, can have on them. When things are left unsaid, assumptions are made. If communication eventually disappears altogether, it can sever ties, no matter how deep.

It can be difficult to talk about how you feel. Starting this particular discussion took some practice and more than a few deep breaths. But, I can’t even begin to tell you how much better I felt afterwards. I asked for honesty, and I got it…maybe a little more than I wanted, but as a result, I was able to understand the stress that caused what I perceived as distance. We work too hard on forming strong relationships to let them falter because we’re afraid to speak up or ask for clarification. Of course, there are boundaries, and we have to approach certain situations with care.  Accusations and anger will only make things worse. Make notes if it will help you convey your points better. Say your piece, and then shut your mouth and listen. Learn from the experience, and make sure to keep the lines of communication open in the future.

Last night, my fiance left on a trip to Israel with Birthright, an amazing organization that (through the generosity of donors) provides young Jews with the opportunity to travel to Israel for 10 days FOR FREE. I went on a Birthright trip my freshman year of college, and I know he’ll have a fantastic time. But, from the time I said goodbye to him yesterday morning, to the time I went to bed, I was pretty much a mess. It was like my eyes were faucets, but I had no control over when they turned on and off.

I wanted to write about this feeling without people thinking, “oh barf, good for you, you’re in love.” As sad as I was, I’m grateful for the reasons I’ll miss him so much. I know now that it was the right decision for me to look for jobs in New York City exclusively, because if this is what the thought of 10 days apart is doing to me, imagine having to do long distance again. I say again because for three years, we took turns driving five hours each way every other weekend. It really made us appreciate each other and our time together…but I hope we never have to do it again.

There were moments during both of the times I’ve looked for a job when I wondered if it would be easier if I could expand my search to other cities. I was even contacted about an amazing opportunity in sports over the summer, but I wouldn’t even take an interview. Some people probably think that’s crazy, and would tell me I’m limiting my career etc. etc, and maybe, in a way, they’re right. But, there are other things in life that are just as important, if not more so, than our jobs. Love is one of those things. So is happiness. Living with my fiance and seeing him every day makes me happy. He’s in law school here, so this is where I’ll stay until he’s done. Say I’d gotten that amazing job in sports in another city. No matter how great the job was, I wouldn’t be completely happy. I probably wouldn’t have much of a life either, schlepping back and forth on weekends.

We all have different priorities, and of course, there are times when we have to make choices and sacrifices. But, I just want to make it clear that it’s okay if advancing your career and achieving all your dreams by age 30 isn’t your number one priority. It’s okay if you give up a potential dream job to stay in the same city as the love of your life or to be close to your family. You have to do whatever it takes to make YOU happy. Life is too short for anything else.

If there’s one thing that really bothers me in this world, it’s people who are fake.  They’re one way to your face, and a completely different way behind your back.  And, when it comes down to it, they don’t really know you at all.

I’ve been watching MTV’s new series “If You Really Knew Me,” and I have to admit that I think it’s brilliant. The people behind Challenge Day really know what they’re doing, and it’s a program that should be mandatory in every high school.  For those who haven’t seen the show, the basic premise is trust building activities that get teens to open up to one another and reveal who they really are on the inside. It sounds corny, but it’s not.  Once you can see beyond the outer shell, you will often find that seemingly polar opposites have a lot in common.

The thing is, it’s not just high schoolers who are afraid to show their true selves to the world. I know plenty of adults who do things they’d rather not, just to fit in. It’s sad to say, but we don’t all outgrow our tendency to be judgmental either.  I bet it won’t take you very long to think of the last time you slapped a label on someone, or made a generalization, without taking the opportunity to get to know them first.

One of the key exercises on Challenge Day is when the students sit in small groups and complete the sentence “If you really knew me…” The things they reveal are almost always unexpected, and often those who call themselves their friends had no idea. How many people know the real you? Are there things that have happened or are happening in your life that no one knows about? If you had to complete that sentence, what would you say?

It’s funny…before this blog, I would have a lot of ways to finish that sentence. Don’t get me wrong, I still have some things that aren’t publicly known, but there are quite a few aspects of my life, my true self, that I’ve written about here.  Doing so has made me more open with my IRL friends. I bottle my emotions less, and share more. It’s definitely a healthier way to go!  It’s very important to me to be genuine in the offline and online world, and I can honestly say that people definitely know the real me. What about you?

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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. We survived three years of long distance, and he has been there for me through some of the most difficult times in my life. I don’t really write much about our relationship because it’s not something I feel like I need to share. (I’m no relationship expert either. My next longest relationship lasted three months). But, if there is one piece of advice I can offer, it’s this: don’t let your relationship be your whole life.

That may sound kind of strange, but read it again. I said “whole life.” Of course any relationship will, and probably should be, a major part of your life. You’re going to spend time with your significant other doing coupley things, hanging out with their friends and bonding with their family. But, just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you can’t still go out with your girls (or boys) without your SO.  This is something that I wish I had done more in college. Granted, long distance requires a lot of time and effort, and takes a lot out of you emotionally, but that’s not an excuse. I missed out on a lot of fun times with my girlfriends because I had convinced myself that I couldn’t go out with them and still have a good time. Although most of them were single, I wasn’t the only one in a relationship, and I wish I had followed my friend Jen’s example and made girl time more of a priority.

Five years in, my friends have become friends with my boyfriend, and vice versa. We’re fortunate that most of our friends get along with each other, and it’s been great to have them all in the same place and see them interact so positively. That said, I think one of the things that makes our relationship so great is that I’m not afraid to say ‘I’m going to brunch with so and so, and you’re not invited,’ and he knows I’m totally cool with him catching a baseball game with friends.  We make time for each other, and we enjoy doing things in big groups with our friends, but we’re okay with being apart sometimes too. After all, it’s much more fun to gossip and go shopping with my girls.

So, when you find love, treasure it. Make time for each other, and make an effort to get to know each other’s friends. But, don’t let your relationship be your whole life.  The truth is that we never know what will happen later down the line. Sometimes relationships go sour, or something happens that leaves us single again. Those situations are tough enough, no one wants to go thorugh them without anyone to turn to. Love your significant other, but remember to love yourself too.

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Today, there are over 14 million only children in the United States, and I am one of them. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, that’s about 20% of all kids. Some of my friends are also part of that group, and some are not.  There are definitely pros and cons to being an only child. I count independence, sense of self, and a close relationship with my parents among the pros. Lonely play time and bearing the weight of family issues alone are a couple of the major cons. Although I never experienced sibling dynamics firsthand, I’ve watched the relationships my parents and friends have had with their siblings for many years.

Just like the existence of siblings at all, there are positives and negatives to number of siblings, gender, age difference, etc . My mom is the middle child, with two brothers. I’ve heard horror stories from childhood of decapitated dolls and endless teasing. But, I also know that my grandparents didn’t do much to stop either one of those activities. As an adult, my mom’s relationship with her brothers has been much like a roller coaster. There have been many times when I have shaken my head in disbelief at the lack of appreciation they show for her and for one another. If only they knew how lucky they are to have one another.  I know that some issues run deep, but at the end of the day, there’s still love there somewhere.  That said, I have to give my uncles props. Since my mom got sick, they have been nothing but supportive.

On the other end of the spectrum, my dad and his brother have always been pretty close. They’re only a few years apart, and they chose the same career. Although they have pretty different personalities, they can relate to each other well. Coincidentally, they both ended up having only children less than a year apart, and their ability to relate to one another was passed along to me and my cousin Adam. It’s not surprising that I am closer with this aunt and uncle than I am with the others.

There are days when I think, siblings…who needs ‘em? And there are other days when I would give nothing more than to have someone with whom I could share the good and the bad.  I’ve always had friends and a big imagination, so I’ve rarely felt alone. But, I’d be lying if I said that I never wondered what life would be like with siblings.

Do you have siblings? How far apart in age are you? Are you close? How has your relationship with them evolved as you’ve gotten older?

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We are forever connected to our family through our blood, our shared history, our similar traits and features. If not for our parents, we wouldn’t be here, if not for our grandparents, our parents would never have been born…the chain goes on and on. Some people have very close-knit families, and some do not. There are so many factors that affect our family relationships: age, distance, common interests, tradition, the precedent set by previous generations. Friends may come and go, relationships may change, but no matter what, our family will always be our family.

My family has always been very important to me. I’m fortunate enough to have close relationships with both of my parents, and though I never lived near my extended family, my grandparents and aunts and uncles did the best they could to make me feel loved. As the only girl on either side of the family, connecting with my five first cousins was often tough. That said, I am very grateful for my cousin Adam. As only children and rabbis kids, we have always had a lot in common and we remain close to this day.

As with all relationships, things change over time. We grow up and our lives take different paths, sometimes we become closer, sometimes farther apart. The family tree loses branches and grows new ones in different places, but the roots are still there.

So, why am I writing this post? Family relationships are complicated, and no two stories are completely alike. Recently, I have witnessed a dramatic change in the relationships between several members of my family. One has decided that he is going to do things for himself, regardless of how it affects others. This new philosophy has caused a rift between him and others, as he has become so consumed in it that he is no longer the same person he once was. He has always been a generous person, very giving, and so I commend his efforts to pay more attention to himself. However, he was also a funny, kind person who valued and cared about his family, and that part of him is gone.

I wasn’t quite sure how to write about these things, and I’m not sure that this was the best I could have done. But, watching this change has been so difficult for me that I had to express it somehow. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make it better. Regardless, for me, blood is thicker than water. I love my family, and I always will. No matter how much life changes, no matter how much our paths diverge, no matter what conflicts may arise, they are my family, and that is a tie that can never be broken.

We’ve all heard this mantra before, “forgive, but don’t forget.” It’s often seen as a compromise between continued animosity and getting over the issue completely. But, there are a number of flaws in this rationale. Even if you are willing to forgive, the simple fact that you will never forget how someone has wronged you means that your relationship with that person could be forever changed. That wrongdoing will always be in the back of your mind.

Am I saying that we should only forgive someone if we really mean it? If we’re sure that we can work to get the relatinoship back to where it was before? Not necessarily. Forgiveness is a tough thing. How many of us have been able to say I forgive you, and mean it 100%? Some people are easy to forgive, some find the strength to forgive and move on in the most difficult situations.

If you’ve turned on a TV, gone online, or opened a magazine in the past month, you know about the incident between Rihanna and Chris Brown. Well, the most recent turn of events in that storyline fits right in with the topic of forgiveness. Rumors are swirling that Rihanna and Brown have reconciled and are allegedly back together. My intial gut reaction is how could she forgive someone who, despite his love for her, beat her up and left her to suffer less than a month ago? Has she decided to forgive, but not forget? If so, can their relationship ever be the same? Would she be better off cutting ties with him completely?

The deeper question is, when someone does something so hurtful that we feel it in every bone of our body, can we ever truly forgive? Can we maintain a healthy relationship with someone even if we promise ourselves we will never forget?

forgiveness
noun

“Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle.”

This well-known mantra is often quoted, but not as often followed. It’s one of those things that’s easier said than done. Sometimes we can’t help but react instinctively to someone’s actions. But, what if everyone actually made the effort to be kinder than necessary to those they met? It’s true that everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle. It may be something seemingly small like fighting a cold, stressing over work, or having an argument with a friend, or it could be something bigger like worrying about an ailing relative, or dealing with divorce. Even if it seems like nothing’s wrong, chances are that they’re just putting on a happy face. So, the next time a co-worker doesn’t do what you asked right away, take a second and think before you say something. And, the next time your mother nudges you about the same thing she’s been nudging you about for weeks, give her the benefit of the doubt. Even she might be fighting some sort of battle that you don’t know about.

And another thing, don’t underestimate the power of a genuine compliment. If you think someone’s new haircut looks nice, or you like their outfit, tell them! If one of your co-workers helps you out, give them credit and thank them. When one of your friends says they’ll be there for you when you need them, and actually follows through, let them know how much you appreciate them.

Make someone smile. Corny though it may sound, when you make someone smile, you’ll smile too. And they just might return the favor when you really need it. The key to compliment giving is be genuine. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. But at the same time, don’t hold back. People will appreciate your words even though they may not show it.

Everyone knows The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” So, put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Take a moment to consider what might be going on behind their cheery facade. Be kind to others and kindness will make its way back to you.