That is the question. More than a year ago, I wrote about grudges and forgiveness. Some people are too quick to forgive, while others are too eager to hold a grudge. In that post, I shared this story:

I used to have a best friend. Long story short, after years of friendship, he chose his girlfriend over me, telling her the kinds of lies that should never, ever be spoken by one friend about the other. It was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever experienced, and I will always remember that feeling. I’ve seen him since, and we’ve exchanged pleasantries. The saddest part is that I don’t think he realizes how much he hurt me. There is no way that things will ever be the same, not even close, but I have to admit that there is a tiny part of me that holds out hope.

I’ve recently discovered that this former best friend is no longer in that toxic relationship. In fact, he hasn’t been for some time. Now, I’m faced with the decision of whether I want to reach out and try to reconnect. Part of me says, why not? Let bygones be bygones and give it a try. I’ll admit, I miss him, and there have plenty of times over the past few years when I’ve wished I still had him to talk to. But, on the other hand, the hurt goes deep. I don’t know if I can just go on like nothing happened. It’s not about holding on to a grudge, it’s about having respect for myself. I am a great friend, and a forgiving person, but you can’t hurt me and then get me back without realizing and admitting what you’ve done. Perhaps in time, I’ll be able to forgive, but I don’t know if I will ever forget.

In my opinion, life is too short to not give second chances, so I think I know what I’m going to do. I guess only time will tell if I’ve chosen the right thing.

Fate is a complicated concept. It’s simultaneously frightening and exhilarating to think that there are things that are bound to happen, people we are meant to meet. I’m not sure if I believe in it 100% all the time, but I do believe that there are certain situations in life in which fate plays a part. This saying sums up my beliefs in fate pretty well: “What’s meant to be will always find its way.”  The way I see it, “its way” isn’t necessarily the expected outcome, or the happiest; it just means that everything works itself out the way its supposed to eventually.

One aspect of fate that I definitely believe in is connecting with “kindred spirits” as we go through life. There are people who we are meant to cross paths with at some point. We may not realize it right away, but when we get to know them, and they us,  there’s always a moment of utter gratitude and happiness that they are a part of our lives. Think of your best friends and how you met. The story might be simple or complicated, funny or boring, but I’d bet there’s something special that brought you together, some coincidence or commonality that facilitated your meeting.

Some things are beyond our control; this is a lesson I know all too well. But, instead of letting that scare me, I’ve begun to embrace it. Even though my life isn’t quite how I imagined it would be at this point, I’m incredibly lucky to be where I am. My path has crossed with some incredible people, online and offline, and whatever force brought us together, I’d like to say thanks.

Do you believe in fate? Have you found kindred spirits in your life?

It’s very important to learn to be self-sufficient and independent, but the truth is that we can’t go it alone, and we shouldn’t. Just as vital as possessing drive and determination is building a strong support system of people who have our best interests at heart. We need supporters in every aspect of our life, personal and professional, to be there for us when we need words of encouragement, a vote of confidence, or confirmation that we are, in fact, not crazy.  Developing these relationships takes time and effort, but is well worthwhile.

In your personal life, realize that different kinds of friends provide different kinds of support. When you’re going through a tough time, sometimes laughter can be the best medicine. Know which friend tells the best jokes and always seems to lighten the mood, and which friend is the best companion for a night on the town. It’s also important to have someone you can spill your heart to when you’re happy or sad. Not everyone is a good listener in person, but some people write really thoughtful responses to novel-length e-mails, so use technology to your benefit. Also, make sure you share good news with your supporters, instead of just going to them when disaster strikes. If they are true friends, they’ll find as much joy in your happiness as they would in their own.

We don’t all become friends with the people we work with, and that’s okay. But, it’s important to find at least one co-worker who you can trust to give you their honest opinion.  Even if it’s just running an e-mail by them before you hit Send, practicing a presentation, or getting advice on how to deal with a particular client or co-worker, having someone to turn to in the office is incredibly helpful. Having these types of professional relationships can also prove beneficial when you move on to another job. You will have someone, in addition to your supervisor, who can speak knowledgeably about your work and vouch for your skills and experience.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help, even though it might be easier for some people than others. As the classic song says, we all need somebody to lean on. But, we can’t just expect people to be there for us if we haven’t given them a reason to be. Building a strong support system is a process much like building any structure. You have to start with a good foundation; in this case, things like trust and reliability are key. Certain parts serve different purposes, just like the various types of friends and acquaintances we have in our lives. Gratitude is like a roof; it tops it off and keeps it secure for the future.  The process of building is hard work, but hopefully the finished product will last for a long, long time.

Who do you lean on?

As you know, I’m all about gratitude and appreciation. So, today I want my friends to know how grateful I am to have them in my life and how much they mean to me:

Thank you for being there for me through some of the most difficult times in my life.

Thank you for being genuinely happy for my success and good fortune, as if it were your own.

Thank you for forgiving my faults, and immature lapses in judgment, and for tolerating my idiosyncrasies.

Thank you for the phone calls, notes, e-mails, DMs, and IMs of support when I was overwhelmed with life.

Thank you for being my friend always, not just when it was convenient.

Thanks for letting me vent, and trusting me enough to tell me what’s bothering you.

Thank you for making time for me, even on your busiest days.

Thank you for not letting time or distance affect our friendship.

Thank you for being honest with me when I really needed you to be.

Thank you for asking how I’m doing, and actually wanting to hear the answer.

Thank you for hugs, smiles, inside jokes, and memories.

Thanks for understanding that I could never write a long enough blog post to express how much you all mean to me.

Okay, now it’s your turn. Take this opportunity to thank your friends. Leave a couple of lines or a couple of paragraphs in the comments, as much as you need. Then, copy and paste what you wrote into an e-mail and send it to them. Don’t be embarrassed to express how you feel. It’ll mean more than you know, and you’ll be so glad you did it. And feel free to send them a link to this post if you’re worried they’ll be confused by the random outpouring of gratitude

Okay…that’s not always true, but the point is that it’s okay to not be completely happy for someone. You can also be simultaneously happy and unhappy for them, and that’s okay too.

That’s how I feel right now. Happy and unhappy for my friend Jen.  She’s one of my best friends from college. We were roommates freshman year, and we’ve been close ever since. This Fall will mark six years of friendship.  We’ve been through a lot together, and we have some pretty fantastic memories. We both work in Manhattan, so we’ll often (although not often enough) meet for lunch and catch up.  At one of our lunch dates a few months ago, Jen mentioned that she and her boyfriend were considering moving to San Francisco at some point in the next year or so. If they even went, it wouldn’t be until the end of the summer, and that was if they could somehow find jobs.

I wasn’t too keen on the idea, seeing as how San Fran is…you know, on the other side of the country (see above map), but I figured I had time to prepare myself, and even then it might not happen. Well, it turns out I was wrong. Last week, I found out that Jen had been applying to jobs in SF just for the heck of it, and not only had she been offered a great position in her field, but they wanted her to start next month. I’m sorry…what?! Next month?! That’s like…very soon!! This is a sample of my initial reaction, at least the one in my head. It was right about that time that the happy/unhappy combination started.

Yesterday, Jen and I had lunch, which only perpetuated the feeling, reminding me how incredibly awesome she is and how much I love spending time with her.  I’m happy for her because this is something she really wants to do. She’ll have a chance to start her real grownup life with her boyfriend, and enjoy exploring a new city.  The job sounds great too, and I know she hasn’t been loving her current one so much. But, I’m also not happy for her…or for me. I’ll miss our lunch dates, and the ease of making plans when you live in contingent states. It’s not like she’s just going up to Boston. San Fran is about as far as she could go, and quite honestly, I don’t know when I’ll have the means to go out there and visit.

So, I’m happy for her, really truly, honestly happy! But, I’m not completely happy, and that’s okay. I’m not happy because I’ll miss her terribly, because someone I care about is moving all the way across the country. If I wasn’t sad, there would probably be something wrong with me. It would certainly tell you about the quality of our friendship. So, if you ever find yourself in one of these happy/unhappy situations, know that it’s okay to feel that way, and it just shows you care.  Chances are, the other person feels the same way.

No matter how busy you are, make time for the people who matter. I tweeted this phrase yesterday afternoon, and it got me thinking. So many of us are living non-stop lives, working hard to reach our goals and be successful. Often, it’s our relationships that suffer most in this type of lifestyle. But, let this post serve as a friendly reminder. You are NOT too busy for the ones who mean the most to you.

Trips home for holidays or special occasions can be crazy. Everyone wants to see you, and your Blackberry/iPhone is blinking nonstop with tweets and e-mails. A bunch of kids from high school are going out drinking, but you haven’t seen your best friend in months. Have dinner just the two of you before going out, or skip the drinking altogether and stay in for a quiet night of catching up.  Here’s another idea, actually using your lunch hour to meet a friend who works in the same area you do. It’ll be good for your sanity, and your friendship.

I’m really close with my parents, and fortunate to only live a little more than an hour away from them. I know that either or both of these might not be the case for everyone. But, no matter how much your mother nags, or your father shakes his head, never forget that they brought you into this world and they love you. Send them an e-mail every couple of weeks and give them an update on your life. You know they’re wondering. And, when you’re home, don’t plan to spend every minute with friends and just use your parents’ place as somewhere to crash. At least give them a meal’s worth of your time.

For social media geeks like us, we have a whole other world of people who matter on different levels (which could be its own blog post). Our readers matter to us, at least they should, so show them you appreciate them by responding to comments and thanking people for RTs. If one of your Gchat buddies IMs you and you’re too busy to chat, just let them know. For those precious few who cross the line from online connections to true friends, the ones who you share your life with, and talk heart to heart, make sure they know that they’re important to you. The online world is different in so many ways. We’re connected with so many people, that it’s difficult to know where you stand. You could easily admire someone who doesn’t know  you exist, or be putting a ton of effort into what you consider a friendship, and just end up being another one of that person’s many connections.

You are NOT too busy. Yes, you have a lot going on. I know you’re on a deadline, and your significant other thinks you spend too much time online, and you have to close a certain number of deals this month to be able to pay your bills…but you can still find the time for the people who matter. Even a few minutes can make a big difference in the long run of life.

I have a confession to make. My current guilty pleasure TV show is My Life As Liz on MTV. Yes, it’s corny, and who knows if any of it is actually real, but I keep watching anyway. And ya know, it’s a good thing too, because that show is the inspiration for this blog post.

Here’s a little background: Liz, the main character, is a funky, sarcastic, independent, weird (but in a cool way) high school senior. She used to be best friends with one of the “popular” girls, but that girl ditched her and now treats her like shit. But, don’t worry about Liz. She found a new best friend, another so-called popular girl named Taylor who is actually sweet and down-to-Earth when you get to know her. The two of them are pretty much polar opposites, Liz has her hair dyed bright red, doesn’t care about trends, and enjoys spending time with her geeky, awkward guy friends. Taylor has straight blond hair and fake nails, loves shopping, and enjoys going out on dates with hunky boys. And yet, they’ve formed this awesome bond. Taylor even stood up for Liz when her bitchy former friend was talking shit.

So, how does this “reality TV show” apply to real life? I think there’s a lot of value in having friends who are different than you. We’re often drawn to those who are like us in some way. It’s comfortable and familiar to be with people who understand us and relate to us. But, opposites do attract in friendship too, and it may be the people you have the least in common with who end up teaching you the most.

I’m an only child.  I’m Jewish. I’ve been fortunate to travel to Europe and cruise the Caribbean. I’m close with my parents. I love writing, and ice cream, and sports, and fashion. These are some of the things that make me who I am.

In elementary school, I had one close friend who had five siblings. I can remember going over to her house to play and being so enthralled and overwhelmed by the noise and activity. It was such a change for me, and yet I loved it. It made me think about how cool it would be to always have someone to play with, and at the same time, I always appreciated going back to my quiet house.

Growing up, I was one of a fairly small number of Jews in my school district, and being the Rabbi’s kid, I was often the “token Jew,” so to speak. But, it wasn’t a bad thing. In fact, I embraced it. I loved teaching my classmates about my traditions, and learning about theirs too. That’s something that has continued throughout my life. Freshman year of college, my mom and her best friend came up to school and made latkes for Hanukkah for all of my friends. I told them all about the holiday and taught them to play dreidel. It was an awesome day!

Being different has this negative stigma that it doesn’t deserve.  Just like taking a variety of college courses makes you a well-rounded student, I think having a variety of different friends with different backgrounds and interests makes you a well-rounded person. Some of my friends are party animals, and some would much prefer a quiet night at home. I have some wonderful guy friends, but the majority of my friends are girls. It’s funny, most are them are brunettes, but there are a few blondes thrown in there too. I have a few thoughtful, selfless friends who are always there for me. If I need to vent, they’re the ones I’ll go to right away. Others don’t deal too well with the serious stuff, and that’s okay too. They’re the ones who lighten the mood and make me laugh. I love them all, and as much as my own personality traits and interests make me who I am, my friends are also a major part of the person I am today.

I strongly believe that there are some lessons that can’t be learned in a classroom. We learn through experience and we learn from the people who are a part of our lives. So, step outside your comfort zone and make some new friends. Seek out the people who are different than you in one way or another. Open up your heart and your mind. It’ll be worth it, I promise.

What do you think? Why does different always have a negative connotation? Think about your friends. Are they all very similar to you, or are there differences between you? Am I right that different is a good thing when it comes to friendship?

PHOTO CREDIT

One of my favorite movie quotes is from Will Ferrell in Elf, “I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.” Personally, I’m a big fan of smiling, and I hate that I haven’t been doing it as much as I would like. There’s been too much sadness, nervousness and worry in my life recently. I have spent far too many days with a frown on my face. I knew that I needed fun, and friends, and smiles, but I didn’t realize just how badly I needed them.

On Saturday night, my boyfriend and I went out with one of my best and oldest friends, and some of her friends. We went to a bar in the Village and hung out for hours. For the first time in a while, I felt like a normal 24-year-old in NYC. I had fun, I laughed, I smiled…I even talked about my mom without getting too sad to enjoy the rest of the night. My friend and I reminisced about people we grew up with, and told funny stories from when we were younger. She got to spend some quality time with my boyfriend, and I got to know her friends better. For a good hour, I talked about football with one of the guys. It was awesome!

I guess the lesson I learned here is the power of smiling, and the importance of letting loose every once in a while. Setting goals for yourself and working hard to achieve them is great. Being sad and worried about a sad and worrisome situation is totally understandable. But, make time for fun, and friends, and smiles.  Remember that you only live once, and once your 20s are over, they’ll be gone forever. So, live, love, laugh, and smile.

Photo Credit

This is a guest post by my good friend, Beth Oppenheim-Chan. She is all kinds of awesome, and I highly suggest that you read her blog and follow her on Twitter. Also, I should mention that she chose the topic of this post herself. You’ll understand the reason for the disclaimer when you read it

Six months ago I was confused. Confused about direction and about the way my career was heading. I came across a little network that had just started called Brazen Careerist. It was a place where bloggers congregated and networked – shared ideas, thoughts, resumes, and other things about the career path (and life in general).

I began slowly – not wanting to commit to a paid blog platform, and not knowing how to interact with all these new people. Pretty soon, it became a bit like second nature. I would log on in the morning, and figure out what to write about. I bought a domain, I figured out some basics about network capabilities, and then…I even joined Twitter. I couldn’t believe it. Who was I becoming?

All of a sudden there were people who I didn’t know – whose lives I was following, and whose work I was interested in. We starting talking in groups, compared resumes, and have continued to this day. Then, something strange happened. I found a friend.

Sam and I were in the same “circles” of the social networking universe. We started off with a little RT action here, and some @’s there. Pretty soon we were gchatting. AAAH!

Back up. Confessional: I have never ever met someone online. Before Brazen Careerist, and my active interest in social media, I had confined my internet space to interacting with the people I already knew. Little did I know that I was missing THE WHOLE POINT. My excuse lies in the fact that I went to one school my whole life, and after that joined a very close community at NYU in college. AND I’m an only child. Making friends was never the thing that I was first in line for.

I am 100% aware that what makes social media possible is….the socializing. Before recently, I was like the old-lady hermit of the internet. I wrote a blog that was pretty good. Or at least my husband thought so, since I was too shy to give anyone else the web address.  I talked to friends online, but only the ones from college and high school.

Sam was like a pro. She knew all about these weird things called HTML and knew how to make things change colors on the screen (CRAZY). Her awesome blog had a lot of readers, and she was able to write about really personal things. In short, she was someone I would be friends with OUTSIDE of Brazen, the blog world, and all these other things that had brought us together.

When we started chatting, we just clicked. Sometimes I would joke with my husband that she was just called “Blog Friend.” He was fairly certain that for a while, she had no actual name. Until one day, we actually met in person and double dated our way to “in-real-life” happiness in NYC. To this day, Sam is the person that I feel most connected to online – but she’s taught me a valuable lesson. You wont always be the coolest blogger on the block (even though I think we both SO are). You wont need 1,000,000 Twitter followers to make you feel recognized. Part of the beauty of social media is the HUGE pool of people to choose from. You don’t always find a perfect blog friend like Sam, but you usually find amazing people to connect with that will give time and attention to your thoughts.

They will help you become a better writer, and maybe even a better person. Even though I still consider myself a newbie in the ways of the media world, I think that strong connections are why I haven’t given up. And the way things are going, I don’t think I ever will.

Last April, I wrote a post called Bloggers Can Be Friends Too. It was all about how the concept of friendship had taken on a new meaning since I became a part of the social media community. I was clear to point out that I didn’t consider every person I connected with a friend, but that it takes more time and effort, and one-on-one conversation.  Nine months later, I still believe that bloggers can be friends, too. In fact, over that span of time, I’ve been fortunate to meet a number of bloggers in person.  But, time and experience have also taught me some things about online friendship that I want to share.

Fortunately, it’s not scary to “meet” people online like it was when we were growing up, but that doesn’t mean that we should leave our guard down completely.  Although someone may actually be the 20-something PR professional who they claim to be, the Internet allows us to filter out the parts of our personality that we want people to see. In other words, someone who seems totally nice and genuine through Twitter and IM, may not actually be that way.  So, before you go promising to be best friends forever, try hearing their voice on the phone, or one better, video chatting on Skype. The best thing you can do is meet them in person, when it’s feasible. There is a certain kind of connection that can only be formed face-to-face.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a total cynic. In fact, I love connecting with new people, and I am so grateful to social media for putting me in touch with some of the most amazing people I’ve ever known.  I certainly acknowledge that, just like our offline friends, our online friends each fall into certain roles, and we don’t need everyone we connect with to become a best friend for life.  In fact, it’s kind of freeing to be able to talk to people who don’t know your whole life story.

I’m not trying to discourage anyone from making friends online, I’m just giving a word of warning.  Remember that friendships are a kind of relationship, and when it comes down to it, you get what you give. Sometimes, you’re going to get less than you give, and sometimes you’re going to get more, that’s just part of life. If you read this blog on a regular basis, you’re probably wondering what I did with Sam. Usually I write about all of the wonderful things about friendship and how amazing my friends are. Don’t worry, I’m still here. There are still many wonderful things about friendship, and I do have amazing friends, and I’m still grateful for every single one of them.

What do you think? Can bloggers be friends too? What have you encountered when trying to create friendships through online connections?