Appreciation is one of those things more clearly noticed (and valued) in hindsight.
Four years ago, my mother wound up in the hospital for 4 months.
In response, I bought a Sara Lee chocolate fudge cake, and ate it over the course of several weeks, while dropping to a size 0. This is probably the only time in history when a woman could, in the most ironic sense, have her cake and eat it, too.
I was over $42,000 in debt from student loans. And, I still hadn’t finished paying off Bates in order to properly graduate (clearing throat…actually, to receive my degree). My father, unfortunately, made it quite plain that the $8,500 which remained to release my degree, should be paid by me…alone.
Between taking care of my mother and 13-year old sister, I hustled away at one of the most unsatisfying jobs I’ve ever had for a year and a half. Then, I got canned because my job performance completely sucked since I was becoming less and less adept at navigating my job depression.
So, I was out of work. My mother was still sick, and that pesky $8,500 gnawed at me day and night. Not to mention, there was the very precocious little sister to look after. For my sanity’s sake (and her’s), she stayed with a friend’s family for several months while I tried handling the life at home.
Looking back on it – it seems forever ago.
That is the peculiar thing about the past. You end up wondering, “How the fuck did I do that?!” And, sometimes, you really don’t know. And, obviously, I came out of it because I’m still here.
It still kind of drives me wild that it happened.
I remember when I was packing up my belongings after the “canning,” the office manager told me, “I think you’ll be alright.” And I replied, “Well, I’ll have to be.”
Because, duh, what else is there?
During that turbulent year, I spent most of my time being angry or sad or both. No one should cling to anger or sadness. Yet, they are powerful, pure, and raw emotions you should seek to understand and never shy away from.
Anger and sadness are just as vital to your spirit as joy and fulfillment.
They give dreams context.
They make the wavelengths of experience unequivocally more complex and dimensional.
So, why do I tell you this?
All those years ago, I was at my most negative. I wasn’t always thinking positive thoughts about myself or the world around me. I had to grapple with confusing and contradictory emotions. Such feelings ranged from petty, immense jealousies over trivial things, to the disappointment of having failed my own (unrealistic) expectations.
What does all that mean?
Even our anger and harshest moments need to be appreciated.
The rudimentary lesson I learned was that I could not take for granted that life will pan out. Or, that I will always get what I want.
Your first job may not be a blazing success. Parents may not always be around. They may even depend on you before you think you are ready. Your little sister will probably not do what you tell her.
You may drive yourself nuts by obsessing over ruined relationships and coming to terms with your own stifling immaturity.
In lieu of all those things, strive to appreciate your life’s purpose by embracing its harshest moments.
This involves appreciating what life hasn’t brought you as well. Your missing elements of success and satisfaction are placed there by your own expectations, not by life itself.
Most people spend all their lives looking for the one thing they feel they should be doing (or have). But, your life’s mission is not one thing, nor should it be. It is several things at once, and they change, mercifully, for the better. You cannot spend 1 year, 5 years or even 10 years looking for that one thing because you’ll never stop looking until you stop breathing.
That is probably the single most overwhelming thing about growing up and growing old. When you begin to wonder why life is not quite what you expected, or the things you feel you deserve were taken away – were they so important in the first place?
And, even if you feel that you gained nothing, be appreciative that you came out of it in the end, true to yourself and unscathed.
Appreciative Revolutionary: Raven Moore (@writerbabe)
Bio: Raven is a soon to be 30-something Chicagoan who writes and dabbles in online communities, good conversation and social media tinkering. You can find her complaining about writer’s block or musing over new fangled ideas at the The Writerbabe Series.
Favorite ice cream flavor: Haagen Dazs White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle or vanilla ice cream bars
I appreciate Raven’s compelling writing style, her honesty, and her ability to provide a unique perspective on such a wide variety of issues!
This post is part of the Appreciation Revolution. Read the rest of the posts and find out more here.
