Someone you care about is going through a tough time. They’ve just lost a loved one, or are dealing with their parents divorce, they’re feeling down on themselves, or they just got laid off. Their life will never be the same. You know it’s one of those times when they need you the most, and you really want to be there for them, but you just don’t know what to say. So, you reach out at first, making sure that they know you’re only a phone call away. But, after that, you realize that you don’t know what you would say if they did call you, let alone if you saw them in person. You comfort yourself with the thought that they’ll call you if they need you. At least you offered, right?
Wrong. I’ll let you in on a little secret, you don’t have to say anything at all. You don’t have to do anything special either. All you have to do is be there for them, truly be there. Call on a random day and tell them a funny story, share some happy news from your life, ask them how they’re doing and really listen to the answer. Take them out for a drink, go shopping, do the normal things you would do if nothing was wrong. Chances are that they will welcome the opportunity to get their minds off things, having fun is a great temporary escape. The last thing they want is to feel alone. Yes, they might decide they want to talk about whatever it is that’s going on, but they don’t expect you to play therapist. Just listen, and make sure they know that they’re not burdening you by venting.
Remember how you thought they’d call you if they needed you? They probably won’t. Even if they want to or need to get things off their chest, they won’t actually pick up the phone. It’s so hard to ask for help, to put yourself first and speak your mind. Picture the call:
Sad one: “Hi, so-and-so, it’s so-and-so.”
Friend: “Hey, how are you.”
Sad one (thinking): If I answer honestly, it’ll ruin the whole conversation. Who wants to talk to someone who is such a downer? But, if i lie, how long will I be able to keep it up before I break down?
So, what’s the moral of the story? It’s okay if you don’t know what to say or do. I’m sorry means a lot, no matter how much they’ve heard it, and I’m here for you (if you follow through) means even more. Be there, however you can. It’s what you would want your friends to do for you if the roles were reversed. They will always remember the ones who stood by them through the hardest times, they won’t remember how many times you called or what you said, they’ll just remember that you were there when they really needed you, and that means more than you will ever know.
