Have you ever read a blog post offering advice on a particular subject and thought, “who are you to be telling me what to do?” We often talk about the importance of being authentic, and only writing about things we know, or have experienced, or would try ourselves. But, we don’t always back up our authenticity by sharing our own story, we just reference it generally and then proceed to give advice. It might be my journalism major kicking in, but I believe it’s important to support what I say, so that’s what I’m going to do.
I write frequently about appreciation, appreciating life, appreciating our family, and friends, appreciating what we have. My goal in writing about these things is to remind people to appreciate every day, so they won’t have any regrets. I had the opportunity to contribute to a great series called the Inconvenience of Change, on Life Without Pants, and my post was featured this week. I wrote about when my dad had a heart attack, and was forced to make changes in his life, but wished he had made them sooner. As I said in that post, that was the scariest night of my life, and I will always remember every detail. That was the first time that I realized how precious life is and that you never know what’s going to happen. Since then, I have made a conscious effort to tell my parents I love them as much as possible, whether on the phone or in person, whether I’m going out for an hour, or traveling across the world. I buy them sappy cards for their birthdays and mother’s day/father’s day because I want them to know how grateful I am to have them.
My second reality check happened just last summer. Before I tell you what happened, I’ll give you some background. I’ve always spent a lot of time at temple, my dad is a rabbi after all, and I happen to enjoy being there, which works out well. I was always active in youth group in Massachusetts, but was a little wary when we moved to New York the summer before Junior year of high school. Fortunately, I met some great people, including Max. We were pretty unlikely friends, but that never bothered us. The Max I knew was a sweet, funny, caring person, with a big heart. At school though, Max fell in with a bad crowd and put up a tough exterior to protect himself. He got into trouble and made some bad decisions, but he wasn’t proud of them. I remember that he would always be hesitant to tell me about that part of his life because he didn’t want me to think less of him.
Another thing about Max was that he wanted more out of life. He had dreams, and he realized that the only way he would have a chance would be to start over somewhere else. So, a couple of years ago, he moved in with family in Florida. It was so good for him. He sent messages to both me and my dad talking about how happy he was, how he was really turning his life around. Max’s first goal was to get his GED, and he worked hard to accomplish it. Finally, the day came when all of his hard work would pay off, and he went to take the final test towards his GED. Afterward, he was so excited that he decided to go out and celebrate. I’ve heard different stories about what happened next, but all that matters is that a bad decision was made. A certain pill was mixed with the alcohol Max was drinking, and his heart couldn’t take it. For me, it’s horribly ironic that someone with such a big heart also had such a weak heart. Just like that, Max was gone.
I was in Ohio when I found out. My mom and I were going through my grandma’s stuff, she had passed away only a month before, when my dad called. He said he had some bad news, and he could barely get through telling me. I was in such complete shock that it took a while for the reality to sink in. It’s one of those things that I will never, ever understand. Here was someone who had a hard life, but refused to give up, and had finally started to turn his life around. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked why, knowing I will never get an answer. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about Max. I miss him. It’s not like we talked every day or knew each other forever, but he was an important part of my life.
We are not invincible, and we never know what tomorrow will bring. I can’t remember the last time I told Max that I was proud of him for turning his life around. I have no idea if I ever thanked him for being such a great friend. I never want to feel that way again, so I am honoring his memory by appreciating the people in my life, and urging others to do the same. The reason I’m writing about this now, is because this Sunday I will be attending Max’s unveiling ceremony. An unveiling is a Jewish custom when the headstone is formally unveiled. It takes place within a year after someone dies, and it’s an opportunity to honor and remember them with close friends and family. This is the first time I will be visiting Max’s grave. I was too upset to go to the burial after the funeral. I know it will be extremely difficult, but I want to be there. I happened to be present when Max’s dad was talking to my dad about what to put on the headstone, and he was deciding whether to include the word “friend.” Before he even finished asking, I was already nodding emphatically, and my dad said to his dad, “there’s your answer.”
This was a pretty difficult post for me to write, but like I said, this is my way of honoring my friend’s memory. So, please take the opportunity to appreciate someone today. It’s so easy in this high tech world of ours. In fact, I will end with this: thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I appreciate it more than you know.
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