Get Over It

I feel like I totally missed something in the online world...there are a bunch of "stop being an ass" posts going around?

Normally I would agree with this, but at some point you have to stick up for yourself and even stick up for others who are too afraid to stick up for themselves.

Negativity for the sake of negativity is one thing - being honest about something you see as a serious problem is completely different. I'm with Andrew. When people suck, I cut them out of my life. When they keep coming back and pressuring me to be friends with them, or forgive them, or let go of some "grudge" that I'm not actually holding, it makes me more critical of their motives, because they are probably even slimier than I realize.

I don't want to put someone down just for the sake of it, but when I see a person screwing multiple people over, manipulating them, and basically getting away with it - I get pissed off.

It's a tragedy that we can't be "negative" anymore for fear of offending one of the millions of people out there...

Monica: I understand where you're coming from, and you're right that there is a certain point where we need to stick up for ourselves and for others. Where would we be if no one ever spoke up, right? And, I agree that when people suck, sometimes the only thing you can do is cut them out of your life.

But, like I said to Andrew, in my opinion if you have a problem with someone, the best way to deal with it is by talking to them about it. I've learned that you can't assume people know how they're behaving or how they're actions are affecting others. So, be pissed off, but tell them you're pissed off and why. Let them speak their piece and then feel free to cut them out of your life if they still don't get it. But, don't just let the anger fester, or try to make yourself feel better by talking crap about them to others or calling them out in a public forum.

We're all entitled to forming and maintaining our own opinions. This is mine, and I respect yours and thank you for sharing it here. Just one thing though, I'm not saying that people can't be negative anymore, I'm just trying to get everyone to think twice about what they're so angry about and if it's really worth it. Just remember, life is short.

I understand and respect your points Sam, and agree with most of it. It's good to talk to someone about the problem - the issue for me is when you do that, cut someone out of your life, and they keep trying to get back into it. It goes back to the assumption that if you can't forgive and forget you're holding a grudge, which is just not true. I basically forgive and forget to ever talk to you again. It's rarely a grudge, more just a lack of time and interest to put up with your BS.

The second assumption is that if you say something publicly it's because you want "drama" or you have bottled your anger for too long. That is rarely true for me either. I say things publicly for two reasons:

1) Because I like to have honest conversations and don't shy away from conflict

2) If I see a pattern in someone, talk to several people and they see the same pattern, and then see my friends completely falling for the same mistakes I did. Unfortunately, there is no amount of talking to someone that will stop them from repeatedly screwing people over.

It's interesting to see how people deal with conflict. There are a lot of assumptions that conflict-phobic people make about conflict-comfortable people. I'm sure the same is true reversed. We all have a lot to learn.

Monica: Thanks for responding to my comments. I'm glad you realize the importance of talking to people when you have a problem with them. It really is interesting to see how people deal with conflict. There are a lot of assumptions that are made, and that's why I'm glad you explained your stance. Looking forward to hearing from you again soon.

Thank you for this post! People can be so transparent in their need to get to the head of the social media/blogging group that it becomes a competition and it's ridiculous. Would we compete with other writers in this way? I doubt it. If you're blogging to force yourself into becoming an "expert" (of which there are already too many self-proclaimed) or blogging for others, then competition is inevitable. If you're writing for you and because it makes you happy, then you're going about it the right way.

Lindsey: Great point. There are two types of social media users, and there are some people who don't blog for the love of writing like we do. And I agree, there are definitely way too many "experts." That said, even if you're more of a self-promoter or marketer, that doesn't mean you need to be spouting negativity, right? Thanks for commenting!

When I stopped writing my previous blog, the attitude/affect of the community I'd found had a lot to do with it. It became cliquey, and I felt like I was back in the lunch room at middle school getting the stink eye from the popular girls. But I missed writing a lot.

I've promised myself that on my new blog, I'm writing for ME - to share my ideas with the world. If other people enjoy (or dislike) what I'm writing, well, that's great.

As for getting over it, I think American History X put it best.
"Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it."

Ellen: I responded to Susan without realizing that I was saying pretty much the same thing about myself as you said about yourself. I write for me, fully recognizing that some people will like it and some won't. So, kudos to you! And, thanks for that quote, pretty much sums up the message I'm trying to get across. Glad to have you as a reader!

It's so interesting - this online world that since I started blogging (for real/long term) a year and a half ago boggles my mind sometimes. I compare it to high school, although everyone I interact with is far beyond their high school years. It's as though we're all masked and can hide behind our blog, our tiny thumbnail Twitter picture and not face reality, in person.

I'm glad you wrote this.

Just like in real life, online world has its drama, negativity and frustrations. It's all about what we create, who we interact with and how we decide to hold ourselves (maturity-wise).

Grace: Sadly, sometimes our social media world is like high school. That's what I don't understand. We're all adults, so can't we at least try and deal with things that way? The Internet does provide a barrier, something for us to hide behind, and that limits our inhibitions in a number of ways. You're right though, it's up to us how we conduct ourselves and who we surround ourselves with online and offline. Great advice Grace, thanks!

Like Rebecca, I almost quit blogging on more than one occassion because of the negativity, the constant competition, and this sense of jealousy and hostility that has seemed to be running rampant. When I first started blogging, it was really about community -- people sharing ideas and connecting with each other not because it was a "what can you do for me" type relationship but because it was a "hey, I like you, I share your thoughts, let's learn from each other" relationship.

Truth be told, a few months ago I started seeing all this negativity and it made me just as angry, sad, and disappointed as you. But then I took a step back and gained some perspective.

I love to write. Writing is who I am and what I do and I'm not going to change how I write or what I write about just because I may not see the same success as others. I see the community that surrounds my own blog as a blessing because I learn from each of them and have been lucky enough to form true relationships with them. That's what matters to me. That's why I do what I do. Separating myself from all that bullshit -- just going about my own business and being me, for better or for worse, has made me so much happier, has enabled me to connect so much better with the people who have become so important to me.

In the long run -- in one, five, ten years from now -- I'm not going to remember (or care) how many subscribers I have or who said what about something I'm not in the middle of. I'm going to care about the people. I'm going to care about what kind of impact I've made and these beautiful, lasting friendships that have formed.

That's what I want to spend my time and energy on -- cultivating the good. Because I think that's what I'm going to remember and hold dear. Nice post, Sam. Thanks for articulating everything I had been feeling.

Susan: Like you said, we've discussed this issue a lot, and it's no surprise that I totally understand where you're coming from. I love to write too, and that's my #1 reason for having this blog. Of course I want to reach people, and I love when I do, but I don't write to please. I write from my heart, fully recognizing that some people will agree and some will disagree. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and we're all going to feel differently about certain things. I just don't think the negativity is worth it. You're right, there are some things we're going to remember five years from now, and some things we're not. I'm going to remember the positive, inspiring people like you. Thanks for your perspective!

I'd like to think that I am pretty laid back about things. However, I've also decided that, in my own life, I don't have room for toxic people and relationships. However, unlike real life I can't just amputate the relationship. So yes, I may appear angry, bitter, or holding a grudge.

I also issue when I see someone who is clearly manipulating others, and I'm often torn about how to handle it. As someone who did the same thing (used people when I was actively drinking) for a long time, I can see how much damage is causes down the road for BOTH parties involved. And I seem to take on the responsibility to correct the situation. May not be the right thing, but I do.

Andrew: I totally respect your desire to amputate the toxic relationships in your life, and taking on responsibility instead of letting those people wreak havoc on other peoples' lives is admirable. I guess the bone I'm picking is more about how people deal with those who they believe are toxic, and the weight that is being put on certain issues that in my opinion, aren't worth it. If you have a problem with someone, talk to them about it. Don't just let your anger fester inside. That's my opinion, thank you for sharing yours as well.

The negativity within our community is a big reason why I've almost quit blogging multiple times. But then I realized that the "community" that I interact with online is the minority of my readership. They may be the most vocal because they're in the space, but I just took a step back and realized I'm going to write because it's what I do. Not to try to belong. Because I stopped belonging a long time ago ;)

Thanks for the reminder!

Rebecca: You make a great point. The negative people are often the most vocal, and maybe that's why their vibes feel stronger. I guess that's kind of why I wrote this post. I wanted to speak out about this from the other side, from a blog that usually writes about the happy, positive aspects of online friendship. And kudos, belonging is overrated. Just be yourself and those who really matter will still love you. Thanks for your thoughts :)